So I didnt go, but so what

Posted: February 9, 2012 in Mental Health

After all my chat on the last blog I didnt go to group, I intended going but my nephews girlfriend had her baby and this seemed like a reasonable excuse to not go, sorry I meant reason didnt I?

It will be brought up when I do return, a further two weeks from now and I will have made things worse by not going but I really dont give a damn right now. I may be being petulant and a bit immature but I really dont feel like being therapised and hearing others who need it either, selfish and not very PC but I dont care at this point, with my sleep completely up the wall and stressing about essays I havent got time to deal with my won psychological shit so anyone elses is going to be a grind for me and by staying away I am not putting on a front and pretending to be there for them when I would be there just because, which is more honest??

On another subject I have been awake most nights for far longer than is sensible and being alone in bed with my own thoughts is a dangerous and uncomfortable situation and one I am trying to remedy, apart from upping my meds I dont see how I can change things and neither me or my GP are interested in going down that road, not now and not in the future I hope. Some of my thoughts are simple beating myself up stuff, then the youre killing yourself with diabetes kicks in and then the whole blame thing starts up, and this is a killer of a subject for me as I love to apportion blame and when i find it might be me to blame I leap on it and dig myself a grave and start to toss the dirt in on my own self.

The thinking goes something like this, Why was I abused? could anyone have prevented it and was I in anyway responsible for it happening? the answers are all straight forward I think at the moment but in the witching hours they become very malleable in my head. I see the various players and where they should have been or acted and also look at how things are now and would this have still been allowed to happen, the sorry state of affairs is the answer would almost likely be yes and this makes me more guilty as I realise I was hardly likely to be the last victim and even though I feel I did my bit he was never brought to task or outed and I have no idea how much longer he continued to work in the hospital and to think about it makes me shiver and berate myself all over again.

The stone cold facts are very easy to work out, the hospital should not have allowed this man access to children of any age and the blame lies squarely on the NHS, although even with the CRB system in place he would have got the gig, he was free labour and also unlikely to have been caught before so his records would show nothing untoward even now, if he wasnt dead. this causes me a great amount of fear for my own and everyone elses children and makes me unfairly suspicious  of anyone who works with children, women as well as men. It used to be a common enough thing for some people want to work with children, scout leaders or church staff but to me they are all subject to my suspicions and the world seems to be siding with me on this.

In my case as an 11yr old I was aware of things that were wrong, I reacted accordingly and but for the attitude of some it would have been a one off and the culprit would have been exposed there and then but for whatever reason it was not to be and things didnt work out that way did they? As I lay in bed, faint memories of what happened along with everything else that did or didnt happen to the boy I was going through my mind I am brought back again and again to where I am now and how things would be different but for this and that. In therapy they rake over these feelings and make them bigger and more current and I dont need help with that side of things.

Im not going to beat myself if I dont have to but I probably will convince myself I do have to wont I?

  1. mikeg12mike says:

    i really do not know what to say-i can not say i know how you feel bacause i do not nor can i having not had the nightmare situation.
    i can not say it will get easier because i have no idea of the time it takes in your case.
    sympathy,empathy probably not what you want to hear,justice there is no gaurantee
    what i can say without fear of contradiction is how brave you are and i am sure you will give strength and hope to others who have had a similar awful time.

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