Immortality for me please

Posted: February 6, 2012 in Mental Health

I have made much recently of my indifference to survival, it is odd that someone so conditioned to his environment should not be too bothered what it offers up in the way of threats. I defend my own to the absolute limit and sometimes my statements are taken as bravado of some sort, which they are not, unpleasant and aggressive maybe but deadly serious all the same.

I love my family, not all of them but my closest I love dearly, those further up the chain get less affection and ultimately there is a point where they are just people with DNA similar to mine, we dont swap cards or speak at all, cousins from my mums family are literally complete strangers to me as are many on my dads side, the ones I do speak to I feel strongly about one way or another. If, for instance one of my maternal cousins came to me in dire straits I would almost certainly act in whatever way necessary to rid them of their troubles, violence and illegality would be within my scope of action and if it was required I would break the law overtly, knowing the consequences fully I would do that out of familial duty, for my granddad and his descendants but not for them as a person.

Is this a macabre excuse to involve myself in the kind of behaviour I want to get into, an excuse for a fight or am I really tuned in for the survival of my own, a genetic bodyguard of sorts or is there something much more primal at work, is it BPD or just a mean sense of duty to a dead relative who I barely remember and his antecedents?

I feel as if I want to be the patriarch, I need a pride to be alpha ,male of and in the absence of one I took over the role of errant wannabe, aggressive and arrogant especially to the real patriarchs, those who didnt need me were cast away and the potential rivals were either brought into my circle or sent packing, I have been successful in many areas of my life so why shouldnt I believe I have something special that should be recognised by my family or tribe or pride or pack? should the world really appease my BPD and let me carry on as if I were the sixteen year old with prodigious strength a hard right cross and the will to run through any number of men to get myself in front of the opposing leader, I get beaten from all sides yet continue on until almost incapable of doing anything I lay hands on whoever I judge as my biggest rival.

Is steve a sixteen year old would be thug with a penchant for poetry and classical writings really nothing more than the other mindless yobs he so easily combines with, even as I got older the reputation I gained followed me and to some extent us thugs know our own and when we meet a real rival we show due respect and even friendship, some would say this is a defensive act, but either way I may be just a very overgrown juvenile who wasnt understood so went further than necessary to get my point across.

When it comes to immortality I have already achieved it in many ways, in the blood lines of my children who show some of my better qualities, in years to come there will be a young man who wants to defend his cousins because they share my DNA, I am sure the internet will be around forever, well as long as humans are there to want it so anything I have posted or published electronically should remain for prosperity and hard copies of my novel and maybe novels will be kept by family for as long as they last as testament to the old dead dudes accomplishments, that’s enough surely, to be remembered for generations in a good way, but is it, will they remember the struggles the books were for me, the sacrifices of the people around me made to allow me to do these things?

I am not sure whether the world at large really wants to be reminded of me in years to come, my words maybe, my children definitely but me, the BPD and my twin persona’s I’m not so sure.

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