Suicide?Life? or the other option?

Posted: February 1, 2012 in Mental Health

This may be a bit heavy but its on my mind and needed to be written down. I have been thinking about where I stand on my life, I have always said I will not take my own life since my chance meeting with a young lady in outreach who was torn to pieces emotionally by the suicide of her father, it was heart rending and as sympathetic as I am it was my own children who I thought of and not her problems which appeared to me to be bad genes as much as anything else.

The option of choice is gone and I am resigned to my existence as it is. I no longer have a yearning to die at my own hands, it does cross my mind very often and I feel guilt and shame about it, but what are my options? I have discussed in the past my slow suicide byway of diabetes, it was mentioned over again how by not managing it I could be construed as self harming, I laughed but uncomfortably as there is a glimmer of truth in there and I need to know why I would be happy to do this?

My life and my past are immutable, I cannot change anything but the way I think about stuff and thats transitory, it can change in an instance. I love many aspects of my life, my children are enough to satisfy any father, just one as wonderful as them would be a blessing but I have three great kids and wonderful wife who supports me and encourages me, sometimes to my detriment but never intentionally. I live what some would call a charmed life, I certainly dont deserve the good things in it, my Karma is pretty low and I strive to earn back some goodness by doing the things I volunteer for, its a selfish act in itself but I know that its better to be doing good for selfish reasons than bad for none at all.

I listen to people who say they arent suicidal but they want things to end and this seems the only way, they are not all depressed but they are all messed up in some way or other, much as I am. I cannot offer them anything but an ear and wouldnt try and advise them, I am hardly the poster boy for good mental health but I empathise and understand entirely where they are coming from. I would left to my own devices probably end my life somehow, it would no doubt be a violent and unpleasant end but I am far from alone and this keeps me from the edge of the precipice as they say. I do like to step up to the edge every now and then and see what the bottom looks like which may seem irresponsible but its just a flirtation and I know I can trust myself not to step off.

Given the chance to do something noble that resulted in my death I would leap at it, to be remembered as a good man who sacrificed himself for others would be a good end and worthwhile in others eyes, again it would truly be a selfish act but cosmetically my kids could say I died for something and could probably ease their grief with good thoughts, sick to even consider it I know but its what I do. So if I am not slowly committing suicide byway of my health condition and I dont chance upon a paedophile bank robber with a machete and a machine gun who by the way also dies in this scenario then I am left to wonder what next?

I and I am aware I use the word far to often, will have to try and live out the rest of my existence which could be a while, in some sort of haze of unhappiness, people do and I dont envy them I need to move on and upwards instead of down and backwards, at least that’s what I tell myself. If in the end I die in an accident or from an illness then so be it but in the likely event of my surviving for a good few years I need to be able to withstand my own self determination to have a shit time. I write and create poetry and prose of every kind and this should be sufficient for me, after all most people dont have the luxury of the time I have to do this stuff and I get some nice feedback about the quality of my work so a bit of kudos should be garnered shouldnt it?

I am going to live to the best of my ability which isnt great at the moment, I will attempt to make my children proud to be mine and hope to enhance the lives of my loved ones and friends but all the time wish I was dead and hope for the blessed relief it will bring, a facade will protect everyone else and what is the value of my small suffering for the welfare of the ones I hold dear really?

In answer to the question in the title its the third, its not a life or death but an existence, I will be here and smile on cue, produce as much prose as I can help as many people I can in the time I have, so when it does finally happen everyone else can feel good about my life even if I never did.

  1. Karen Watson says:

    Reading this made me so sad….. to know all the time you wish you were dead & the blessed relief it will bring….. the facade to protect everyone else. But what about when you are gone…. the heartache & tears of your loved ones, your wife, your chidren???? i guess it wont matter no longer to you how they feel, their pain & heartache…… just so sad you feel like this my friend!!! I pray your thinking changes itself one day 😦 x

    • bigsteveg says:

      Its not sad Karen its just life, I will die just like everyone else and when I do it will be a releief for me, if I had cancer and said the same it would be normal, as you know this thing we have doesnt show on the outside but it hurts and causes turmoil for everyone, I may live another fifty years and my family will have seen me as a normal father, husband etc but only I and those like me know the truth of our lives and thats fine with me, thanks for caring , I’m not surprised by it but am grateful for it nonetheless

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