Compliments and competition

Posted: January 29, 2012 in Mental Health

Anyone who knows me well will know I dont like to be complimented or thanked to vociferously, I like to be acknowledged of course but in the least obvious way possible. I have spoken recently about my ideas on vanity and pride and this probably all goes back that same issue, I say probably because I dont know for sure and never will, and I dont intend wasting my time trying to find out either, shit happens and that’s the way things are in the here and now so why worry?

In doing my writing and getting it published I have opened myself up to the possibility of others commenting on its worth and quality and thus far its been very positive, I now know the editing wasnt as thorough as it should have been and I am waiting for someone to comment on that, its not directly about me but will have an impact on what others think before they buy the novel so I should be angry to have been let down but I’m not. Sure I want to react and have a go at the person responsible but I feel it was within my power to have solved this before it became an issue, therefore I am truly the responsible person, the fee wasnt high and as my wife says you pay peanuts you get moneys, I agree but I also feel if you set yourself up in a business like proofreading you should be better than the average joe, maybe not the equivalent of a high flyer but better than average surely.

The other thing I am thinking about at the moment is my competitive nature which is very odd, as I go from one extreme to the other , in one breath I have to be the best and win and in the next I feel it serves no purpose to be at the top of any particular field as it means you have nowhere to go from that point, I speak in therapy about staying below the summit of my life so that I dont reach the pinnacle and have nothing but a downward path to follow. it may sound a bit negative but its what works for me right now and I am loathe to try and change it in any serious manner, not while I am admittedly in a fragile mental state and need to garner all my efforts to just continue to be ‘normal’.

In the end I am not competing with anyone in my writing, my life or anything else so it shouldnt matter for a while and like most things I will ignore it for as long as I can then deal with it at the time, not healthy but a workable situation for now.


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