Butting a brick wall anyone??

Posted: January 19, 2012 in Mental Health

It happened again today and I am feeling a little bit of Deja Vu right now. I had a therapy session this morning my second in two days and my first in group since christmas. I should have been prepared for the questions but i honestly just thought my reasons for not going were valid and the group wouldnt really be that interested in questioning how I was and the like. It was one of the long standing members last day and I was pleased I hadn’t missed it and this kind of put me off my guard and I must have been projecting my internal world as I was dragged into the centre of things and as usual my fellow group mates had to listen to my sorry story again with little in the way of differentiation and no movement whatsoever.

I do appreciate the efforts of the other members and the staff and their insight does sink in, eventually but it must frustrate the life out of everyone and make them quite angry, or am I just applying my own ideas of what they expect into them and in reality I take up enough of the time for them to not get pounced on? I also found out I had been discussed in my absence which freaks me out, I have always assumed that I was very much out of sight out of mind so to think they mentioned my name let alone worrying about what they might have been talking about is crazy for me to ponder on.

In the end we spent over an hour dissecting events in my past, and yes I appreciated the very different perspective others have on these events but I come from a very rough world where a few punches here and there between men is fine and vengeful fathers do kick the crap out of anyone who messes with their kids, even its one of their kids and I dont see things in the same light as these people , it doesnt make them wrong in their assertions about whats acceptable but I do have a set of core beliefs which however wrong they might seem have seen me through, I have spent time with thieves , murderers and monks, millionaires and benefit cheats so I cant have a set of principles that doesnt allow me to exist in these very broad sets of relationships so I adapted to things and put my own persona on to allow for this, and it worked.

That said I have spent nearly three years in intense therapy with bi-weekly sessions still on going as well as my group stuff so successful isnt the right way to describe how my life is judged. My entire personality was formed in a world of uncertainty, fear and bravado so maybe its no surprise how things turned out. In the end I do turn up and should expect some attention and in the past it has been put to me I have earned the right to take centre stage every now and then but its just too often for my liking and as some members say very little even when there isnt anyone talking I cant help but feel bad. the upshot is it shows a massive change on my thinking that I even give a shit about them so maybe I should be thankful for the change and run with it.

  1. Karen Watson says:

    lol, did you really think you would get away with your absense. I always found that people usually chatted about the people who wasn’t there then confront the people who were there & that always amused me for whatever reason at the time!!! Hence, i always tried to be there!

    I so related to the the time spent with thieves, murderers, millionaires, benefit cheats, ect & sets of principles which allowed me to have relationships with these people, & i too can adapt to all kinds of places, people & situations (including prison)but not sure this makes me a good/better person or just someone who is a god damn good actor. Who knows???

    Just a little insight to me, maybe a little to much!!!

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