personality audit

Posted: January 16, 2012 in Mental Health

With the joys of BPD firmly at the front of my mind I sat and thought of everything and anything going on in my head, which lurches from the workings of the universe to why my big toes grow nails faster than the other ones, its a broad stretch of subject I hope you’ll agree ( anyone who knows the answer to the toe nail message me ok)

One of the things I pondered was my friendships, they too vary greatly as do the people who I mix with either through choice or obligation and the kind of people I will volunteer to be around and give my time to has changed drastically in the past few years. I was lucky, I had lots of choice when it come to friends, I was popular with cerebral types, thugs and thieves, I blended in anywhere and always left anywhere with new friends, I had another side which meant I could also have a fight anywhere but it was usually up to me, I looked at the strange people who wandered around looking lost, the quiet types and generally dismissed them as kooks who didnt rate my attention, much like everyone else I have encountered in life I would say.

Since I went off the rails I started to meet these people in their own environs and realised they weren’t dissimilar to myself in what they thought or did, we may have very different levels of functioning socially at times but we were similar and they were nearly always good people who had been exploited or abused by the world, made to suffer abuse by strangers who like I did before dismissed them as kooks. some of the nicest people I know are mental health sufferers and I have no problem introducing them as my friends to anyone. yes I have still maintained my old friends, I am very fortunate in this as I know many others who have suffered BPD have pushed friends away either deliberately or just because they couldnt handle them, which is very sad but very often the case and I dont have it in me to judge these people, I would have kicked me to the kerb even though my friends chose not to, that’s what I tell myself anyway.

As well as the connections its made me appreciate, it has also heightened my levels of creativity, I was without any access to my artistic side for years and the lack was felt hard by me, the reason I liked to write was to allow the bad thoughts an outlet that was healthy, well ish and didnt cause too much harm to others, anyone who said the written word couldnt do so has never read some of the trash produced over the years by fundamentalist and me. when I di get my mojo back it was better than ever, I still had the dark thoughts which are invaluable when writing about villainous types it also opened up worlds that I hadn’t considered, my drive to continue when I got to the perceived end of my writing was there, I am better off now , intellectually than before this happened, I can reason things from a different angle than before and still use the old skills to. the only thing I have lost in all this is some of my recall skills, I dont remember things as well as before which was almost perfect, but my age may have affected that too and its a small trade off.

My empathy has evolved into a real feeling for the welfare of others, I see the wrongs and want to help but no longer stand in judgement over those who I dont understand, I still hate injustice and the pathetic souls who waste their lives, blaming everyone else for their ineptitude but I no longer assume that s whats going on, I have developed a third way, there was right and wrong before and nows theres maybe, which is huge for me, I will listen and watch and then after a decent period of reflections then I will decide where these people should sit in my head, and guess what the numbers being written off as wasters has dropped dramatically.

So at the end my audit I have decided that I am better off now than before, not financially maybe but in almost every other way, I am a better person through understanding and perseverance as well as experiential knowledge I think my friends both the old and the new like me more for the right reasons, yes I am still politically incorrect and tactless at times but Ive got BPD which means Im changed not replaced.

  1. Karen Watson says:

    I just love this Steve!!!! 🙂 x

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