New Year new me?? Nahh

Posted: January 2, 2012 in Mental Health

Happy new year to you whoever and wherever you are, , the fascinating stats thing wordpress sent for the new year tells me that I have been read all over the world, which is mental when you consider I am just sitting in the corner of my lounge venting my spleen most of the time. I can use words like mental and crazy because I have my BPD dispensation, its a bit like black rapper using the N word in their music apparently.

I dont do resolutions as they imply you need a reason to change things in your life, which may be true for some but seems a little like an excuse not to change to me. I get that events can bring thoughts to a head and thats kind of why news year resolutions get created but my life is 365 days of constant change so naming a day to start something would be trite and not the least bit childish for me. So that said what am I doing this year I havent been doing before? for a start I intend to be a published writer in the first weeks of the year, I have taken the plunge, employed a wonderful editor and should soon be in possession of a finished product for me to put into the public domain. I write for myself and the pleasure I get out of it so I have opted to publish on Amazons Kindle which is free for me and cheap for anyone else, I wont be charging much and will spend even less on publicising it, hopefully someone will chance upon it, like it and tell a friend, thats my sole goal in this, being read and hopefully enjoyed enough to garner interest in what I am writing next, money isnt going to fix anything in my life so reaching out for it seems pointless, dont get me wrong if a publisher rang asked for my signature then I’d go for it I just dont see the point in hawking my work if its not important to me to be paid for the work I do.

So once this is done my life revolves around Uni and volunteering, my week is divided into the two and add to this my writing and I think I will be plenty busy and in doing so stave off the dreaded BPD for as long as can be imagined. I am in no doubt its still there in the background waiting for its oppurtunity to bring me to my knees and I also know that if I have an ounce of control over this whole thing its by utilising my mind in ways that deny the darker thoughts time and space to fester and by being too busy to be ill I might just pull it off for a while. I may sound pessimistic by saying for a while but its pragmatism really, I have been given no cure so why would I expect not to suffer again in the future? Sure I know more than ever before about whats going on and through my therapy I have a better understanding of whats required to get out of the mind ste that would in the past have been semi permanent but its still there and I live with fear of knowing it will come again and worry that it will inflict more pain on those I love, I could care less about me, not because I have low self esteem or am suicidal far from it , I just realised through this entire episode that I was secondary to the whole event, my family, the psychiatrists and even fellow group members were picking at the carcas of my psyche and I had to allow it to happen for the greater good, if they found something there they could work with or use for themselves then great but I was not the focus of the situation, getting me back into a servicable condition where I could be productive rather than a drain on resources was the real program and thats the same for anyone whether they have a mental health or physical problem, the doctors etc dont want you better because they want you to enjoy life or whatever it is you’ll be missing, they have to get you right so they can move on to someone else or just get on with their own lives.

I dont say that to be mean to anyone, I get it and expect nothing more, the realisation probably helped me recover from this current spate of depression, I dont matter anymore than anyone else, I’m a cog in a big wheel and we dont have healthcare professionals to make us happy and well but to get those they can back in the game, producing goods to seel and tax to be paid which in turn allows them to fix more people who join the conveyor belt, those that cant be fixed such as myself and my compatriots, those not dying anyway, are afforded lip service and left to get on with it, in my case with the support of my family who, unconsciously just want me better to make the world we live in manageable, theres no element of selfishness to it, its the status quo and they just want life to be like everybody elses, to conform and be happy in the statistical way that we are meant to be.

This year will be about creativity to me, assignments to pass exams and writing to a standard that will appeal to someone, anyone else as entertainment. I intend to try not to waste anyone elses time and be as productive within the confines of my situation, be a good dad and that sort of stuff, what I see as the most important stuff, I’m not even too embarrassed to say a good husband would be within my remit this year, my wife has worked her arse off these last few years both as a carer and in many ways single parent of two children but also in her properjob which she takes no pleasure from and travels to and from just to improve the lives of those she loves, which she does. 2012 is irrelevant to me, I work to no calender in terms of when and if, the only consideration I have is the school timetable which constrains me slightly but even then I get so much help from good friends that I can be flexible where others cannot.

When I get my stats for this year I hope to have been more prolific in my posting but its not a target just a hope, I hope someone has my novel on their Kindle i dont know and they enjoyed it and my children coninue to be healthy , happy and unhindered by me, that my wife still wants to be at home with me alone rather than working or anywhere else because she wants to be in other words and in doing my volunteering I make a difference to one other person for the better. Happy new year to everyone as I said, I hope things go your way, just as long as its not costing me anything I cant afford in the process

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