I’m trying, very trying apparently

Posted: December 22, 2011 in Crazy stuff, Mental Health

Its been a while and to be honest I dont have much to say, times are strange and I am doing my best to keep my head in the game, trouble is I have no idea what the game is, if and what the rules are and where I’m supposed to be in the big picture, oh shit I’m mixing metaphors and thats like blogging satanism isnt it.

I’m reliant on my meds, not anything I shouldnt be having but just knowing my entire life is reliant on pharmaceuticals just to get by is sobering. I have been struggling to sleep and thats a bad thing for earth in general, yes my creativity is upped dramatically and doing the Uni work is going quite easily but in all other areas I’m having an epic fail, I’m rude , cantancerous and generally being a bastard to everyone and anyone, at least I’m not being predjudice, I appear to hate everyone regardless of creed or colour right now.

I dont say this apologetically, it is what it is and I am doing my best to avoid homocide or at the very least assaulting anyone, well anyone I might actually miss. I have spent my time away from the blog deepening my knowledge of the real world, by this I mean Ive been watching loads of films, which i have also failed to blog about. I dont really know why I am reluctant to blog as I am at my laptop all the time and seem to do very little while I’m there so its not a physical obstruction and in my mind I have loads to say, believe it or not. I did talk today in therapy about life stuff and speaking about it brings it home to me , what a fucked up existence i lead from time to time, BPD is nothing in my life for a while and then its my entire life and I never know which it is until afterwards, my hindsight is sublime and very annoying.

In reference to the title of this blog I am trying very hard to exist with the world as it should be and yes I can be very trying for those who have to deal with me but I dont hold a gun to their heads and they stay around which is heartening I guess. Christmas is appearing like a spectre over the world and I will not doubt report back on my struggles, goodwill to anyone is tough but all men is beyond the pale right now and all this festive affection brings bile to my throat. If i didnt think to tell you I loved you for 364 days of the year then dont believe I have changed my mind on this one day of days, in fact if I have been trying to get rid of you over the last year then christams would be the ideal day to fuck off once and for all, think of it as a gift, mine is allowing you the choice rather than getting you admitted to casualty.

On that note, have a lovly day if you so wish it and for those like me who dont care either way at least enjoy the telly and a few bevvies and driving on quiet roads for a day or two, bah humbug indeed


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