Oh deary me, I am a scary monster after all

Posted: November 24, 2011 in Mental Health

Had a very strange day today and not wholly unpleasant, although I dont doubt the person who made it so wierd would be gutted to know that. I was at my group doing what we do to good effect, some good news from a cherished member and some tough questions from another which the group worked hard to answer in a supportive way. There was a to do on Facebook this week which was brought up and somehow I got roped into the discussion, not that I mind the status in question was just a bit of mirth but I could see where the enquiry came from, no malice or anything just out of context with what was happening and although I did baulk abit at being told they were scared of upsetting me, this person being the person who proved to me that I could have an issue with someone and deal with it in a healthy way, it did cause a bit of anxiety but nothing I couldnt cope with. At this point one of the members, who from this point shall be known as member A said something under her nreath and walked out.

What then ensued was mental from my point of view, two of the other people who I’d spent a lot of time with both remarked on A’s leaving and they began to reveal that she had a massive issue with me, to which I was unware and this caused them both some consternation, tears were shed and all the while I’m nothing more than abit perplexed, others stepped in to remark on the whole juvenile feel this had taken on but I was cool, confused but cool. When member A returned she sat down and would have happliy waited for ages to reveal her issue which was so massive as to cause four other people to be concerned about it.
I quite fairly challeneged them and the fun began, after the usual preamble of being her issue and trying to handle it ‘alone, I pointed out that four people were now involved so alone wasnt really a fair description of what was going on, apparently thats wrong, and not my first mistake it would seem.

The next twenty minutes was about my many and varied faults from misogeny which I apparently admitted to down to being a control freak who pretended to be good guy to manipulate everyone else, well I did arrange the christmas dinner so I have to hold my hands up and admit I did do this for my own evil benefit, watching a load of close friends and colleagues enjoy a meal and a small drink is in my global domination plan, scuppered now obvioulsy. they went on to detail in unerving accuracy my feelings about them and everyone else, the sentence that proved beyond doubt all their suppositions and even pointed out the favourable treatment I get from certain therapists. The look on the faces of her would be allies told me I wasnt the only one being surprised by the vitriol and I sat and let her speak knowing that arguing bcak which would have been very simple and effective would add fuel to her fire and possibly legitamise her astounding claims. when she finally finished, I did interject for clarification, I was left feeling like laughing which I knew wouldnt go down well so I held myself in check and thoguth about what to say, others had decided to lend their opinions, mostly just about the fact they didnt like confrontation although my calm demeanour was described as intimidating by one, which I was sorry for but could really do anything about as I was pretty much on normal settings and she hadnt felt that way in the ten months or so I’d known her. this aside I thanked A for bringing it up, albeit 9 months too late and after spreading her poison as much as she could, not because I felt she was in any way correct, far from it but it did test my newly discovered reserve and for that I was happy.

I did have a moment of wanting to take every point and shoot it down but that was fleeting and would have been pointless albeit quite satisfying, shes a crier and I would have had no problem setting her of, everything usually does. Having no other recourse other than to ignore the silly claims we carried on and thankfully dealt with some real issues rather than some made up ones that suited the drama queens agenda. Two things came to the fore after and this is the bit I am struggling with. The claim by one of the members that I was scaring him, the intimidation comment and A’s subsequent claim of being afrai of me did lead me to question whether I was unconciously exhuding menace but I asked a few people and they hadnt ever seen it, even though they had been there on days I had been seething with rage. the other thing was my motives for setting up the support group, described barbedly as My group, was I trying to get something out of it and doing the christmas meal or as I thought was I just trying to give something back and help people who were not as erudite and capable as me to get things done, I know the answer now but did have to question it for a while, the fact this has been sullied does bother me more but I know my own reasons and to be honest I cant be interested in mistaken assumptions of jealous people. thats the word I came away with today after all the accusations and abuse, it was funny and showed how jealous some people can be, why they are jealous I dont know but its clear they are and when they get off their cart and look at whats going on in the real world maybe they will ask the right questions to fiond out the truth about whats been going on, but I’m not holding my breath and the many good people I meet through my group far outweigh the odd curveball thrown by petty people who get something out of their bitching.

I am not a monster in anyway, i may have been but thats still up for debate, and if there is anyone out there who is in any way afraid of me then I can only reassure them I may bark but even that will be a mild thing and I never bite these days, Im 41 and feel I should behave accordingly even though internally I’m a spoilt ten year old.


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