Why??

Posted: November 17, 2011 in Uncategorized

Its the most annoying question of all time is it not?? I have been asked this question for so many different reasons by so many people that I kind of write it off when asked as an attempt to gain something unfathomable. My sons and daughter asked it all the time about everything from Gods and oxygen to the colour of bananas and everything in between but thats their jobs to test everything and make their parents work to find this stuff out for them.

Recently the question is about my motives for things, Why have a I written a novel and why do I think anyone else would be interested in reading it, how comes you volunteer but dont work and why do those particular courses for your degree, and why get a degree when youre already in your forties, its too late. I shrug and say nothing of note, I dont really know the answers to most of the things I do now or have done in the past, Impulse led my actions for so long i gave up looking for reasons and now I am supposed to come up with themn I cant be arsed, well up until now that is.

I spent a bit of time today trying to avoid thinking about the therapy session I should have been at so I delved a bit into my head and looked for an answer or two, interestingly I did get a few nuggets as answers. Why I volunteer is a good one to start with. I am not in the habit of doing charitable acts, theres not an ounce of christian goodness in me and I would be offended if someone considered me alturistic, Its not me I just do things for my own selfish reasons and thats the truth. Yes I could look to use the time for profit, which would arguably be the more selfish thing to do bu I am not naive enough to beleive I could hold down a job in my state of mind, let alone the idea I could attract an employer with my record. I do the volunteering to use my time, I try to be useful in the time so I dont get all down on myself and if in the process someone else benefits then great, If there is such a thing as Karma I’m in debit thus far so I will be making a dent into that and I also think, again maybe naively that I have something to offer the people I volunteer for which gives my self esteem a boost, again a benefit in the long run and thats the truth of it, sorry I cant claim some noble calling but thats the why.

Why am I doing my degree now well that ones easy, I should have gotten one back in the day but the idea wasnt ever suggested and I think my potential was either missed or stifled so I want to do it now to prove I can, again it uses my time up but its a thumbed nose to everyone back then who didnt consider that I might benefit from a Universoty education. I could blame my Dad for not pushing me, the school for letting me waste my intelligence but mainly I blame the NUT, they decided to start striking at the beginning of the most important phase of my education and ruined the chance for me to excell, they let me glide through the GCE and CSE exams barely attending lessons because the period either side was vacant due to strikes so I went home or to my girlfriends and never came back. I did OK considering the effort I put in but the teachers would have expected more in most subjects but they were too busy striking to pay any attention to me or my peers, I wasnt the only one to suffer and this broken generation are the children of those who were let down, a coincidence??

The funniest one is why I have written a novel, like there has to be a reason and the audacity of thinking someone else would like to read it is even funnier, how does one know whats good or not unless someone else reads it and who better than the professionals?? I have let friends and family have a look and the reaction is positive although my BPD says they would be wouldnt they, there is some feedback but I dont even care about their opinions in the scheme of things the only ones who I care about is the cold hard eyes of the professionals as they dont know me, have no interest in my mental health and would be honest, they have been very nice so far in their rejections so I am no closer to getting it published but my reasons for trying are simple, I want to and Why isnt the issue why not is.

The last question I get implied is why I’m like the way I am, my life isnt on the surface very hard and the abuse in my past is still my dirty secret only a few knowing any detail and to be honest until therapy I didnt even know what I was supposed to make of it myself, a series of unconnected events that eventually all linked up to create the man I became, both the good and the bad in me. BPD is still very mysterious, ther are some who believe its a matter of genetics, predisposition etc, others who believe it to be circumstantial and even those who doubt its existence at all. what I know is through my contact with others with the condition that very few of them have led happy lives without incident but thats not proof one way or the other as there are thousands who have suffered who dont have BPD. at the end of the day I have what Ive got, I did what I did and thats all that matters, when my head gets back into gear and my recovery starts again I’ll look back and wonder why myself no doubt but to be honest only I have the right to ask the questions as I had to live through this without the option of getting out, I know my family and friends never turned their backs but if it got too bad they had the option I never did, Im more than thankful for the love and patience I’ve been shown but its the internal struggle that I

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