99, is it worth the wait??

Posted: November 14, 2011 in Mental Health

so its one blog away from the century . well on this blog anyway, and I havent got any ideas for the big one, I am uncapable of planning anything right now due to current mental status but you never know when inspiration will strike, I have been having a few writing ideas in this current funk, which may be a silver lining.

I was going to do this blog about a subject I havent covered in this forum ever and its pretty much part of my essence. Anyone who knows me well, excepting those in therapy where I havent really covered this as it seemed trivial in the situation will know I am huge football fan, Chelsea, England and Glasgow Rangers being my chosen poison in this field. I am known as Chelsea Steve in some groups and others ill speak to me about football for hours before getting to the point of why we are conversing in the first place, it is in some way an acceptable way to identify me that I dont feel bothered by.
I have been reading about identity for onbe of my course and realised that it is one of mine, the die hard footie fan who has traveled across europe to watch his team in wind, rain and snow, missed out on thousands of pounds of overtime and spent thousands more just to see his team play a 90 min game I have since forgotten all about, crazy but true. Now the old school mates from footie had me pegged as a psycho, I would scrap anyone for the hnour of the team, or the country or the protestant faith, I’m atheist by the way, the fact was I was a troubled young man looking for a reason to fight and found in these causes an excuse that fitted well with the society I had decided to join in with.
Racial and religious bigotry were not really my bag but I didnt care if my colleagues wanted to carry it on, just as long as I wasnt implicated in their petty predjudices I was cool with it, now I say this with no pride in fact its more embarrassment but in the days this was going on I was undiagnosed and may have been very different if things had been spotted sooner, bygones and all that whats done is done and I escaped this all with no forensic history and that in itself is a good thing.
I started this talking football and these days its almost cool again to support a team and my teams especially and this leads me to my next gripe, why does everyone assume that all chelsea fans joined the club in 2005, I have stood in the terraces for decades before they got success and now I’m a glory seeker, well I am the shittest glory seeker in history as I could have supported man utd or arsenal and not only had more glory but shared it with a lot of my friends who were already on that bandwagon.

No I support the unpopular team who shared the same postal district as the street I was born on and the team my grandad wanted to win the football match he had been watching the day he died, I have no idea who he supported on a regular basis but he, like so many other detested Leeds and therefore was supporting chelsea in the 1970 cup final, the fact we went on to win also made the decision an easy one.

My point in all this is my identity has changed so many time over the years I dont know who I really am most of the time, just last week I would have described myself as a recovering BPD sufferer, now I am anything but recovered, I would say I am on the slope backwards right now but I hope that next week it will be a different description entirely, we can but hope I guess. I suppose the word identity for me is about definition of who I am to others and this is the problem we as BPD sufferers have, our own opinions matter not at all except when they are negative and spiteful and this will be a bugbear for most of our future lives, we may get a handle on it for a while and even diminish the impact this has but essentially its our millstone and we need to accept it to move on, in my mind anyway.

I started this saying the next blog will be the 100th and in some ways the milestone is a suitable metaphor for whats going on in my life right now. I am at a cross roads, I can either succumb to the dark thoughts and revisit those days when life was a series of breaths and food interspersed with sleep and toilet visits or make an effort to pick myself up and move forward, yes it’ll be hard and most probably hurt more than the other option but the pay off is 1000,000% better and could be a start of the real recovery, to check a sword would stand the test of combat they had to pass it through flame and this could be what I am going through now, the test of fire to see if the recovery is real or just a weak pastiche of one, we shall wait and see, fingers crossed though yeah>

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