wading through shit uphill anyone?

Posted: November 1, 2011 in Mental Health

Being a bit faceceous really but thats essentially what recovery from BPD is really like, at least for me and most of the people I have the pleasure of knowing with the condition. I was chatting to one of my young charges this morning about predjudice, she is a Sikh and says she has never experienced racism and on the opposite side has heard friends wish they were as brown as her etc, this was a good thing and we wont on to talk about possibility of other ethnicities actually having a go at each other which is as bad if not worse than being attacked by the white english who everyone assumes are the main protagonists in this world.

The conversation was fine and she really engaged which is brilliant but we never discussed the predjudice that matters to me, the one I have to deal with on a daily basis and thats because if we had mentioned it I might have to reveal why it matters and would no doubt be subjected to more predjudical behaviour albeit unintentionally in this case. I guess the feeling that you are defrauding people because you dont immediatley explain what youve got and how this affects you is prevelant for most mental health issues but with good reason. We are, it appears, the only minority group that it is acceptable to make fun of in public regardless of the crowd, on TV its seen as an easy gag and in the pub its almost expected to make a loony gag about the local nutter, and no one will ever complain or rebuff them as it would be a no no in modern british society to stand up for the mentally Ill. they might even think you had one if you did sasy something.

In this day of political correctness gone mad it strikes me as strange that we cannot expect the same attention as the blacks, homosexuals or disabled to name a few, I am consious of leaving any out for fear of being accused of marginalising them. I have a severe personality disorder, and yes its not something I would want to publicise for the sake of it but likewise I should be able to give this information out without fear of recourse or abuse, in fact the most likely response I would get is one of fear and recrimination but Im a big lad and others may get the opposite which would be worse I reckon.

So I am in the process of recovering, I function well above the level I was at eighteen months back and manage to help others in many situations, this is good and hard work at the same time but when I do feel finished with the process will I be able to throw a party celebrating my recovery just like a cancer patient or someone else with a legitimate illness? no not unless I want to engender fear or sympathy and no small amount of apprehension amongst those I have not told about my condition, the ones who know were lovely, some researched it and others just asked questions, but I knew they would be like that, thats why I told them. Its the burden we share with each other but it doesnt lighten the load if anything it increases it as we feel each others pain as well. In the end we have to struggle on until such a time as we feel like we can take a breather, unfortunately that is sometimes our death but in other cases its the real end of the torture and our eventual coming out as a whole person, lets all cross fingers and look forward to that day but until then the wading through shit uphill continues.


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