the three A’s

Posted: October 12, 2011 in Mental Health

I have very few problems in my life I cant deal with these days, I know thats quite a statement and I need to qualify it by saying that my idea of dealing with something may be beyond the normal realms of thought. There are three things I need to get away from to allow me to move forward in life, the three A’s.

Assumption: this one bugs me a lot, My own assumptions, I cant do it, it wont work, everybody will hate me, you know the kind of things you assume when you’re feeling under the weather, but its the assumptions made by others about me that really get my goat, Oh Steve’s smiling a lot more these days, he’s back to his old self.I read his blog and he was making jokes he’s clearly over it or he’s managing to to do loads of stuff that proves it was all in his head so he should be out working again now surely. I have whinged about this before and I will continue to do so until people get the picture clear. This isnt a disease, it cant be cured and although I will try my best to appear well its a facade and one that can slip very easily. Yes I do feel better, as the song once said, but its not how I am all the time, in fact I am not anything in particular all the time Im as interchangeable as the wind and everything is temporaray and succeptaible to change due to anything and everything.

Anticipation: This one is harder to define, I have always had an excitable attitude towards things like birthdays and christmas, holidays were a nightmare as I would start counting down to the day for months and the event never lived up to my huge expectations. Life isnt so juvenile now and i Have the problem of anticpating things that arent so good. An appointment or the possibility of a benefits review, when is the car finally going to give up the ghost or my health give way on me, both physical and mental in this case. Some would say its the same as assumption but they are all relatively straight forward things that will happen its just a matter oif when and if in the anticipation I am preparing myself then I see it as a useful tool in my coping box. I seem to have the attitude that everything is going to come to an abrupt end if I dont prepare for it, anything that doesnt fit into my nice easy to understand boxes is a potential problem which I have to anticipate and prepare for, tiring isnt the word.

Aggravation: This one means different things at varying times, it can be as simple hearing someone asking a question I think is obvious to the post man not delivering anything when I am waiting, most of the time I am expecting nothing and cat understand why it bothers me but it does aggravate me terribly. I find lots of things aggravating and I cant put a finger on why other than the BPD, which is a fair excuse I guess. When I manage avoid the things that set me off it seems to work but I have to meet people and do stuff in my life so its not possible to avoid aggravation completely. I need to plan everything to ensure I dont get annoyed and risk losing my temper, something I havent done for years and not something I want to revisit anytime soon. Well thats not completely true as I do wonder what I would do with the tools I have been given by therapy, could I just rant a bit deliver some vitriol and walk off or would I break someones neck? I kind of wantto know but its not very smart if I cant guuarantee the safety of anyone who chances their arm by setting me off, whether by design or accident.

I have load of other words I could use to describe things I need to avoid or get rid of but this is the three A’s and we need to draw a line somewhere dont we?? in the end I will be strugglking for a while with these three and adding anything new to the mix might just be the last straw.

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Comments
  1. nacadie says:

    I am in therapy as well and i relly really having a hard time with the trusting my decisions about my life and choices especially when i become sure of something or at least think i am sure (sometimes i really really convinced my self and am absoletly sure i am doing the right thing, and then all of a sudden later it becomes clear at how wrong i was fucks up reality as well)and i find it even harder when i am feel ok and sure with my decisions and have decided that i need to trust myself and when i am really right in the end at this point what fuck’s me is when my family or friends disagree and tell me i am really not making a right decision or choice…that really screws it more for me. I think it will take me a while before i get the hang of it. I am hoping by practicing gettin a higher self esteem that perhaps then it will be easier to trust my own opinions, decisions and choices.
    Also when someone disagrees with my opinion i catch myself wavering between sticking to my opinions or go into people pleasing mode for fear of abandonment and giving in to their opinion just to be like….complicated head!!

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