Wise ass or just wise

Posted: October 10, 2011 in Mental Health

I am full of myself sometimes, i know im smart and use my brain quite effectively and I dont think I should be shy about it, after all I am trying to do a degree just to prove I would have got one anyway if I’d been given the option as a young man. I have to balance my obvious intellect with my equally obvious problem of over selling myself at times and under selling at least as often, I’m classic BPD on this one and thats not meant as good thing.

I read what I’m asked to and participate in anything Im given just for the sake of it usually although with my degree I am conforming to their regime in order to do it right. Well kind of, I am already prepared to send in my first two assignments and they are due til november, I have gone further into the course materials than expected by this time and to be honest could have a decent crack at my next two assignments, at least in my head I can anyway. this is my issue am i just smart enough to do it and thats why it seems pretty simple or am I deluding myself and I’m about to have an epic and tumultuous lesson in my own shortcomings?

I guess this will remain to be seen at the moment but it dose serve as a question for life in general, can I truly trust myself to make decisions when I have no idea if my thoughts are ordered or disordered and what do I do to check this out if I’m on my own. I can check things out in therapy although I use this less and less these days as I am trying to ween myself off of the dependency to the therapy, which I am getting grief for I might add. Most of the time I feel I am doing an Ok job of living this life, yes I need constant support and reassurance but that is there for me so with the current status quo I can manage but thats not likely to remain the case forever, no one regardless of their mental health stays in the same position forever, children grow up and the world moves on, policies change and public opinions differ with the seasons.

I suppose I just want to be able to trust myself to make the right choices with regards to my education, that of my children and everything else I have to deal with, is that too mcu to ask?? I am trying to be solid and stoic and will endeavour to make thoings work, I will reread my assignments and maybe get someone else to check them for me but ultimately I have to make the choices and no one can save me from that I guess.


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