Cured, nice to know

Posted: October 9, 2011 in Mental Health

Three seperate conversations this weekend have implied I am “better” now and to be honest I could look at this in two ways. Firstly that my activities and attitude have been so successful in making me seem “normal” that I have pulled of a coup in terms of making others see what I would like to portray and secondly that people see me make forward movement and assume for their own piece of mind that the embarrassing situation of my mental health isnt going to bother them anymore. I dont really ascribe to either to be honest, people just jump to conclusions.

Yes I can see that the fact I make contact with people now as I never would have before or the fact I look after my son and study might seem like the actions of a regular guy but they dont see the struggle involved in keeping this up, the dark moments when I really want to call the wife and hand over responsibility and quit the study, the fact I dont is reason to be cheerful but its a daily struggle and assuming I am just doing it grates on me a bit. In truth it suits those who have said I am better because they never really got what was or should I say is wrong BPD is hardly a secret, you can find stuff about ti almsot everywhere if you can be bothered to look which is the real point. They havent been bothered to look or enquire they just heard the words mental health problem and made their own minds up what they thought it meant.

I know some people have me down as a malingerer and generally a waster,they fin dit easy to sit in judgement as my house was repossessed and the lives of my family were irrevicably changed but they never considered that if I could have stopped all that by getting off my arse and going out to work I would have, after all I had the best job I could have wished for, in many ways I created my own job so why would I want to endanger this just to stay in doors all day and eventually lose everything? no I cant think of a decent answer either so I might have to ask them because theyve got it sussed by all accounts.

I am getting better, my life and that of my family is improving day on day but I do slip back and need to force myself on sometimes, poor me i guess but I am not now nor will ever be cured. Im not sure I would want to be if that doesnt sound too odd. My head space is where I feel comfortable now, I know what I do wrong but there are some good things that have come out of it, my many interesting and challenging friends my imagination and all that allows me to do and the strangely obsessive way of doing things which I believe will earn me my degree. So just to be clear I dont need a cure thank you, but if it helps you to deal with my problem in your head then think what you like but if you ever have the bravery to ask the question you woint get the answer you want, sorry.

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Comments
  1. showard76 says:

    I know exactly what you mean about people making assumptions and not bothering to find out more about BPD and how ‘well’ we are. If the took the time to find out or ask they would know that despite the ‘tales’ of recovery (online and in books) the reality is the best we can hope for is periods of remission – much like some cancers, the underlying condition is unlikely to ever really go away no matter how ‘normal’ we may seem at ‘good’ times, but they will never know or understand this, and probably don’t really care so long as it isn’t affecting them when we are in the ‘bad’ times!

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