Screaming fits anyone??

Posted: October 5, 2011 in Mental Health

I dont scream, I’m too big, loud and scary and the neighbours look at me sideways already but I want to, sometimes I think its the only way to release the tension filling my head. The other option is to laugh a but and there isnt too much to laugh about these days, not that things are going badly I just have this thing going on in my head and need to release it every now and then for my own sanity and the safety of everyone around me.

Now in the past when Ive felt like this I have taken drastic measures and shipped my ass out to the mojave desert where I can scream at the top of my lungs wearing shorts and tee shirt in january and no one comes running or gives a shit whether I come back or not. I do wonder what the wildlife make of it but scaring a few coyote is a bit of a buzz really and it beats getting sectioned which is what is likely to happen if I have a bit of “turn” these days. I wrote recently about my darkside and this ties in nicely, as it is another element of my life that BPD has impacted and I cannot risk letting either of them have their head as it were.

I want to be healthy mentally and lety the world know that this isnt a slow death sentence with self harm and suicide our only futures but I need to do it my way and screaming would be useful right now. I look around when I walk the dog and think about whether I would get away with a bit of primal screaming, in the desert I quite literally scream till I’m hoarse and my energy is completely spent, if you ever get the chance to do it I thoroughly recommend it as a stress releiver, problem being after a few hours of relative serenity the old shit comes back and you need to wait for yor throat to recover before you can go again, funny the durability of the BPD is far greater than that of the larynx, who knew?

I [probably wont get to have my screaming fit, there isnt the time or the space for it and I will have to deal with stuff like all the others in my position in as safe a manner as possible, luckily for me self harm isnt my bag and suicide isnt on the radar so its the internal self loathing I have to deal with which is just as injurious but not quite as scary for the world at large. I will survive this thing, and do better than just exist despite it, I am going to succeed and push forward with my life, get enough money together to go back to the desert every now and then if I really manage to be a success then maybe I can help other with BPD because the standard of help out there is intermittent and I want to change that one day, either by changing public opinion or adding my not inconsiderable weight to the fight against it. I know I have allies in my fight and will call upon them when my pride allows it, so thanks in advance to all those who will be put upon, at least I wont be screaming at them I guess.


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