Dark side

Posted: October 3, 2011 in Mental Health

Yeah i know that everyone has a dark side, Mary Poppins probably had some deep dark shit going on she never let anyone else see, and just because I have BPD doesnt mean I am any different from the rest of the populace with their own sometimes petty shit going on. I try and keep mine hidden as much as I can, there are times when its hard and I could be doing myself harm by maintaining a nice demeanour in certain company and to be honest I might be doing others a disservice by with holding my true feelings about them or their actions.

In my therapy sessions I bite my lip all the time for fear of offending even when I know what I want to say is stone cold truth and needs to be addressed. I could do what I used to do and blurt out anything that comes to mind, vitriol and bile flow freely and I can injure just as effectively with my tongue as I can with my fists. I spoek to a relative today about their problems and wanted to put them straight ona few matters, not that they were wrong just they had the wrong way of looking at things, in my opinion anyway. they made sweeping generalisations about what we had shared experience wise but they have no idea of what i went through right before their eyes, mainly because they were so busy looking for fault everywhere but where it was really required.

I can see the shortcomings of people in my life who should have known and done better, I was blind to their faults until therapy made me examine their roles in events, it was hard as they had exemplary status in my mind but upon further investigation they failed me almost as badly as the person I blame most, my Mother. In talking about the dark feelings of loss this person felt i was struck by the fact they didnt seem to realise where my problems came from and to what extent my life had been diminished by it all, clearly in their own self pity they failed to notice the damage done to me by failures of parents, health care professionals and those who wer meant to offer a young boy protection from the worst things in life.

My dark side has parents and they have nurtured this mean spirited soul as much as any parent would a good one, with neglect and derision they fed the fires of hate and despair until it became my real life, so ensconced in this mire was I that i failed to notice the many good fundemental things that pointed to another aspect entirely. Now as I sit here trying to get a grip on the good things I am and do my dark side sulks like a petulant child waiting for his turn to strike back and set the record straight in their favour.

If I do on occasion offend then I think I can expect some leeway, my BPD does have a get out of jail free card quality and if those offended can look beyond the words and see the condition maybe they will embrace the difference in me and help me to garner as much from the bad as I can from the good in me.

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