Posted: September 29, 2011 in Mental Health

I think Ive made progress in the past eighteen months, not ground breaking stuff but generally good stuff which I use as a bolster when I feel down or depressed. This isnt meant to be a comparison to anyone else and I dont say this to crow about it, after all if I had made that much progress I would be too busy earning millions to be online in the middle of the day. Now the problem Ive got is trying to quantify this progress to make it understandable for others, how do I put across the real value of the movement there has been so they can understand where i am coming from and how far I aim to go?

I tried to push this forward this morning at therapy and to be honest I felt a little crestfallen when it was put that I was really just trying to find out what I was looking for and should remain as things are for now. I am wise enough to know the comments werent meant to affect me negatively and they come from a position of concern but they also place me in a position where I feel I have to prove my progress by going against them, to stick two fingers up in a sense. I want to prove I am living a better life right now, far from being cured I am still able to say I have moved into a potsition of recovery and staying in the current position could be detremental and I cant allow anything to hold me back or worse pull me backwards, and by all thats right no one should put me in that position.

My therapists have my best interests at heart and my fellow group members do have me in mind although they have quite rightly got their own agendas and I get my actions might affect them causing envy or inspiring them which ever it is I have no real control, just as I get frustrated by others so they do with me and as a BPD sufferer I get whats going on but I cannot hold these peoples feelings in mind when deciding whats right for me and I would expect no different from them, knowing this I have to take into account the current state mentally of the person in question, which in itself proves I am in a better place as I wouldnt have even considered they had a right to think or feel anything about me or my actions before.

I will do what I think is right on any given day, if I feel I have made a mistake I am in a place where I dont have to worry about carrying on just for the sake of misplaced pride, I will admit my error and make adjustments accordingly. I suppose what I am saying is my progress is quantifiable and I will strive to prove its real and important, if people think I’m doing things wrong they have a right to their opinion but they dont have the right to curtail my progress in expressing it.

  1. showard76 says:

    From reading your posts I think you are doing great! well done and keep up the good work, we all have bad days, it’s trying not to let them (or other people) hold us back in moving forward that is the hard part and you seem to me to be doing a good job of not letting it stop you too much! 🙂

    • bigsteveg says:

      cheers mate, Its all about the day your having and how you feel at the moment isnt it, we do lack that perspective of the long game and I feel down when I see my progress isnt being acknowledged but Through folks like you I can see the opposite opinion and use it to push through the barriers, sorry to hear about the job but you’ll find the best thing for you when your supposed to,

  2. showard76 says:

    very true, we have a habit of being consumed by the emotion at the time and unable to see the bigger picture at that moment! No matter how hard we try, all positives are none existent at that moment! typical black and white, splitting, dissociating BPD thinking :/ grrr lol

    Thanks, I’m handing in my notice at the other job anyway, as I just can’t continue being there after the false accusation. So jobless for a while until I find something else, but at least it gives me some time to sort out ‘me’ 🙂

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