Emotion in motion

Posted: September 23, 2011 in Mental Health

I have had to answer a few questions about feelings recently and to be honest I’d be more comfortable being tortured for my fried rice recipe, big clue there rice in it and its fried. I have been subjected to some uncomfortable situations where I was expected to have a reaction either conspicuously or at the least internally, I had neither.

I didnt really get pushed too hrd on it but I was more concerned by the fact I would have expected something for my own sanity, I can talk about others emotions and the reasons behind them, including the validity of the reason and the idea that no one has wrong emotions, its not possible in my opinion for another to tell someone they have a wrong emotion. I heard a horrifying story in great detail and there wasnt even a flicker of feeling, I might have expected to get at least irritated, most would have expected pity or horror but there was not a glimmer of anything. Later that same day I was going over a training excercise and had to answer questions about some upsetting scenarios , some of which I have experience of. I didnt have anything to say so I answered according to what I thought they would like to hear, not very honest but it was training and in the reality they want me to have no outward emotions anyway, I just think it would have been a little akward if I had been honest although in my mind it would have been to my credit when the training ends and I actually have to put their ethos into practice.

If I do struggle to feel in such extreme situations does it follow that I will fail to do so in the mainstream life I’m trying to live now? When I speak to my mentees I have to try and get alongside their feelings and guide them through the process of appropriate reactions that wont get them excluded from school and hopefully allow them to mix with their peers with more ease. Am I being dishonest if I tell them about feelings that happened years ago, even though in reality I am as likely to respond to the same stimulae as they do in much the same way just a bit scarier than them. I can remember the consequences of my inappropraite behaviour and thats what I am trying to help them avoidm surely the old tenet of do as I say not as I do can still be helpful if the lessons I learned back then prevent them from making the same mistakes.

I am worried my emotions have receded somewhat since my proper therapy ended and my connection to the people in the room has shrunk as well, I am almost tutting when others go on their traditional rants and raves, where as I did have some sympathy for the reasons for their behaviour niw I am irritated and want to shout them down, the irony is when I do try and wound with my words they have the opposite effect which I can live with, odd as it is. Only eighteen months ago I was emotionless and almost inhuman, I regressed into my self and used my home as a cocoon to protect the world from the monster I felt I’d become. I honestly felt I was some sort of sociopath, a fact borne out by the professionals setting me up as untreatable, big warning added to my file to anyone who might be with me not to be alone didnt help.

I went to the unit I attended with no expectation of success,with not really any idea what success would be or how it was to be measured. I feel it worked a miracle in so much as I identified so many things that had closed me down and the effect this was having on the rest of my world. The wake up call was heeded and I changed for the better in many way, emotional availability being a huge plus for my family and friends. but that was six months ago and I am worried that I am slipping backwards when I need now more than ever to hang on in and move forward, I believe inertia is key to my wellbeing and the lack of emotion sets me to thinking I’m slipping the wrong way at the moment. I dont know who to ask for help, the thursday group is pretty dominated by certain subjects and the time is too short to fit everything I need in, bearing in mind there are twelve or so others who need to deal with their stuff to.

I am viewed as something of a successful member of the group as I am vounteering and studying and this apparently equates to being well all of a sudden so I dont feel I can show the vunerabilityI am going through in front of them, and I dont want certain members to see my weakness’s as I believe maybe wrongly they would be pleased to see me fail, not out of malice but as proof they were right not to try to proceed with their own plans, a kind of told you so attitude. I am supposed to starting with amentor soon for my study and as far as I knwo they will be specially trained to deal with PD students so maybe they will be able to answer my questions, I’ll wait and see I guess. The good news is the organisation I am training for see emotions as a handicap while working and this will not be an issue there so silver lining there then.


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