reflection, attrition and intervention

Posted: September 9, 2011 in Mental Health
Tags: ,

I have for some unknown reason been thinking back on my experiences in the past three years, I have looked back further but to no avail there is still very real pain involved back then so I make a conscious decision to avoid it, not very healthy I know but by necessity it has to be done after all I have to be able to function in the here and now to some degree or other.

My predominant feeling of the recent past is one of growth, a maturing of a mind that although filled with tonnes of important, irrelevant and circumstantial information had no basis in the emotional world that everyone else was living in around me. As a result my own emotions were thrown about like a spinning top with no account of the fact it was banging into metaphorically other people and what that might mean to them, I was just a child in full on tantrum mode and from a developmental level had no control over this, I simply hadn’t matured in concert with my external world and the small angry young boy was acting out in the only way he knew how.

At the intellectual level I fully understand why now, years of therapy have done that for me and I am grateful for tha but it has been an attritional experience for me, I have fought my ground every inch of the way, dismissing the theories as psycho babble when they didnt follow my own agenda and ultimately trying to impose existential thought where only emotion would do. I still fight this war of attrition today, only yesterday I was asked to reflect on a process I described as effective and al;though I understood it was dysfunctional I felt it was right because it produced a desired effect of comfort. The fellow group members and therapist quite fairly exasperated by my inflexibility tried to get me to look through different eyes and see that I could be seen as a worthwhile person as well as the one I had created in my own mind to defend against any possible ” Attack” I might see coming my way.

I didnt do anything with it yesterday but sat there last night and pondered their words and I did accept the truth of them, I may never tell them that but thats not important to them or me the important thing is I can actually do the reflection and use it even if its not at the moment its delivered to me, a small win in the long war I’m sure you’ll agree. with this new found reflection I have managed to imagine myself as a real person of worth, not in the self important sense but to others who may for whatever reason be in need of my help, whether it be emotional or physical it matters not.

the purpose of my year or so in therapy wasnt always apparent at the time and I do feel it was only after leaving that I took stock  of all that had happened and noticed to changes, my wife would point them out to me all the time but my own arrogance would blind me to her words just to spite myself. The growth from a very young injured and abused child into something like a grown man was painful at times and if I could have avoided the experience I would have, this is fair enough as far as I’m concerned I am not saying I wish I hadnt done it just that the work was hard and I wouldnt have volunteered to have been put through that, now its almost over I see the benefits and accept the old tennent of hard work brings its own rewards.

In the moments where reflection, attrition and intervention collide I find answers that  may not be possible to get in any other circumstances and I know the world was once created out of chaos so maybe it also stands that congincences is also born from these clashes of diverse thought and awareness and in the end I have to work almost as an emotional alchemist to create the right formula for growth using whatever I have at my disposal at the time. In saying this the intervention is not in my power and I respect and admire the people who have delivered it unto me with their wise words and observations, it is as a lucky man that these things have come to me and I appreciate it even if I fail to do so at the time it is offered, I am an advocate for the therapy I have received and this seems to be too little in recompense for the life they have allowed me to begin.

In my short period of reflection I have changed so dramatically it would be trite to say my life has changed for the better, my family’s lives have been changed for the better and hopefully in my new volunteering venture I can make some positive input into others lives as well, the ripples are spreading far and wide and I am humbly sitting in the middle wondering where these ripples will end. I know this is a snap shot of my thought on this particular day ut I hope by writing them here I can return to them in my dark days which will no doubt come and in these words remember the point of it all and take comfort and succour from them.

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