Oppostite of Paranoid??

Posted: September 8, 2011 in Mental Health
Tags: , ,

This got brought up today as I was asking if there is a word for what I have, which i described as being totally unaware of anyone else being interested in me, when not in their company. This isnt a negative in my mind, I use it as a mechanism to avoid too much navel gazing about my place in any particular group or setting. I am comfortable to be like this and judging from the paralyzing effect paranoia can cause I’m well served by it. the question of whether its healthy psychiatrically was asked and to be honest I’m not sure I care as long as its working.

Is my blithe ignorance of my effect in anyone else sphere of reference avoidant or just selfish and thereby not anyone elses business, I did say I hate compliments because I cant accept them in the spirit they are meant as they would start a very difficult process of building myself up just to get to a great height, all the better to be knocked back down again.  I dont regard this as a bad thing, the question of setting achievable targets was also addressed and I see these as linked for me. I have written a novel and want it published but I am reticent to let anyone I know read it as they may do one of two things, go over the top in their praise at my endeavour regardless of the quality of the work or say nothing which would be tantamount to a negative reaction, why put myself and them into that position? I could just as easily send it to professionals and let them pass judgement from a detached position which I can accept more readily.

My targets are all achievable even if they may be a little too simple at this point although I dont think they are, getting my degree and becoming a proper volunteer seem well balanced and not over reaching or aiming too low, what I dont want is to be regarded as someone who has power over another feelings with my words or actions, as a father its not likely to be possible with my own progeny but outside of my immediate family I am a layman in almost every area where I pass comment and as such I offer nothing more than an opinion, which may or may not be valid. At the time of my pontificating I may believe myself to be an authority on the matter but its up to whoever listens to dissect the bullshit from the nuggets of wisdom if there are any and then take from it what they will, under no circumstances should they cite me as a reason to act or otherwise in any matter.

When I speak in groups its to participate and nothing more, yes I care about the other members but in doing so I am cognizant of the fact I may be doing them a disservice and try to balance out what I say to counter this. ultimately I am in the self effacing position and in a day or two I might be back to master of the universe, in reality neither is true but its only possible to comment on the here and now, reflection may seem useful but it tends to muddy the waters for me so I try hard to use it as rarely as possible, I dont advocate the be in the moment as a mantra but its practically what I am doing even if the existential language doesnt suit my persona. In the end I am the opposite of paranoid but I dont know what that means but it works for me.


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