Dark arts at work

Posted: September 5, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

I’m a little paranoid, not heavily but a tad and in the scheme of things its no bad thing to have that little voice in the back of your mind telling you to be careful of everything and everyone, and lets not forget just because your paranoid doesnt mean people arent talking about you. This paranoia is light weight compared to many of my friends and I have to control my urge to laugh at times when their fantasies take on epic proportions but I understand where the feelings come from and try to accommodate their eccentricities as much as possible, to smooth the wheels as they say.

Saying I have a little paranoia doesnt discount my feeling that some people are deliberately trying to cause others to feel got at by implying things and making judgements based on tittle tattle etc. and I am left wondering what best course to take to bring this to an end and also whether I should intervene at all after all I may be having one of those paranoid fantasy’s myself, its possible. My initial reaction is to snap back, defend the weak and step all over the other persons fragile persona. I will admit I would love to steam in all guns blazing and do as much damage as possible with the spoken word but it feels like I shouldnt right now and I have just begun to realise I might not be the greatest judge of when to step in and when to let things slide so taking a moment to decide is a new and very exciting thing for me.

Apart from the opportunity to show how much Ive grown psychiatrically I need to check myself so I dont get myself a reputation Ive fought long and hard to rid myself of, Ive never been a bully but its easy to be cast as one when the person involved has a penchant for playing a victim, whilst acting in the most derisable way at the same time. I can handle a bit of bad PR I have lived in so many differing states at the same time I have become adept at it, the psycho, the comedian, the manager and the go to guy to name just a few. No the reason I’,m not kicking ass all over the place is I am not sure it would make a blind bit of difference except allow the culprit to get off the hook, after all everyone forgets what youve done wrong once you become the downtrodden one, if therapy has taught me anything its the fact we all like to vilify anyone outside of our group and accept on face value the claims made against anyone else, to be fair the majority do have a point but the hard pressed partners and children of BPD sufferers cant be expected to be perfect in every way and I have heard some real crap excuses for bad behaviour which ultimately use a non event to start a nuclear level fallout just for the purposes of being cast in victim position and therefore centre of attention.

Yes I know the attention seeker tag is thrown at all of us and I should be sympathetic to those who have this problem but at how much expense is it acceptable? If one sufferer is trying to make a fellow sufferer feel bad just to make them feel better then is it right to say nothing and let them sort it out? the strength of character of the protagonists surely comes into play and add to this the access to sympathetic ears that one has over the other and you would be hard pressed not to feel the injustice of the situation and be able to sit ildy by. At this point I am ready for the possibility of some residual fallout from this situation, it would be just like the main player to spend a good half hour espousing their supposed hurts but I am keen to cut this off before it starts for the benefit of the rest of the group who dont get the chance to speak at the best of times.

I maybe totally in the wrong on this, my own condition may be fooling me into believing the lies of one over another but I dont think thats the case, although I would say that wouldnt I. The best thing that can happen is it gets forgotten about and no on else bites on the public outpourings, which were designed to elicit the very response I’m worried will occur, In any case I dont have to react do I, its not pre ordained that I get involved at all but I feel its the right thing to do and to be honest I have had it up to here with the machinations of this person and feel aggrieved that no one else has sussed out whats been going on or at the very least has said nothing about it, I have in the past but been shouted down as missing the real point of things and left feeling like the majority rule was some how pertinent in our situation which it certainly isnt.

I am probably building things up in my head and stuff will just occur and go the way it should but I dont feel happy letting this go, not as its the tenth or so time this person has exercised the deceptions they tend to use even those who have fallen out with them legitimately have ended up feeling guilty and convinced they have done harm themselves. In the end I have to see how I feel on the day and whats said, it may be the whole thing will be forgotten about and I will have to keep my powder dry until the inevitable next time occurs, no one said this condition was going to be easy to live with but the doubts and second guessing do my head in more than ever.


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