Speak or stay silent

Posted: September 4, 2011 in Mental Health
Tags: , ,

I have never been a shrinking violet when it comes to talking, I give opinions out like a postman and I have never been one to keep my tact in its rightful place, in short I’m a bit of a pain for some folks and this causes me issues with others and especially in the therapeutic community I was part of, if I had a though I fought hard to keep it contained, and I usually failed with some aplomb.

I will now and have in the past said things that were intended to cause hurt and other times I’ve done it by accident and it doesnt feel very different the result is the same and the lack of thought on my behalf was written off as a character trait, more recently its been written off as my BPD and this is the ultimate get out of jail free card, I think its a little cheeky to always blame my bad behaviour on BPD but laud my good side as all my own work, as if I do good inspite of the BPD and that makes it even more amazing. I do admit that my BPD has done some damage in the past but if I was always going to be a bit of a hard case, emotionally then I was also always going to be a funny sod as well.

My pithy comments and barbed remarks make me fun to be around when its not you I’m aiming them at and if youve got the right sense of humour an exchange of banter can be hilarious if not for you then me, which is very BPD the me me me thing. I have now as a result of my years long therapy got a better idea of whats acceptable and whats not, its by no means cured me but I have a filter which I employ to good effect but sometimes it goes awry and I get a head of steam up and let loose with both barrels. The main change after the event is I do sometimes feel bad and know I have been wrong, I have even on the rarest of occasions apologised for my misdemeanours although thats an extreme event and shouldnt be expected too often, but it has happened recently.

If you feel something is wrong do you say so straight away or as a BPD sufferer do we wait and check it out first, are we allowed to have normal human reactions or do we have to forever have to behave in a special way to get by. I have been taught that not speaking is a bad thing, to bottle things up and let them stew internally will lead to rack and ruin, that always saying what you think before thinking it through is wrong and my mind struggles with the contradiction in terms but I know there is a middle ground which I should be able to live in. I havent got there yet for sure and my last blog shows how easily I can be pushed into ranting and trying to dig people out, even knowing the object of my irs is also a BPD sufferer does not deter me from reacting, from showing the mitigation I would ask from others. I have no answer to offer in this matter but accept I havent found the answers yet, I dont apologies for what I said or may say in the future unless it needs to be said and thats not something I can see happening too often.

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