I had an odd experience today at my group thing, not giving anything away as this is strictly confidential but I was taken aback by the way other people listen to what I say and give it some credence, in my mind its very important, profound or whatever else I have told myself but I dont really think anyone else will buy into it let alone agree and in some cases find something worthwhile to them, after all its me, the loony guy who has a superiority/inferiority complex at the same time and shouts out loud in the desert just to release a little tension.

My main reason for feeling odd is I am struggling with my “Major” as the yanks call it for my degree, at the moment I’m studying for a degree in social policy and criminology which was on course for my chosen career path. Not that I believe I will ever have a career right now but if I work towards one then I may by osmosis gain some ambition and make the leap into the real world again. My aim in the beginning was to work in the youth justice system in some capacity which fits in well with my history and feeling of concern for the future of our young people. this has changed somewhat in the past weeks as I realise I do want to work with adolescents but my real field of operation would be in the mental health field as I feel my own experiences may be a boon in this are and I feel comfortable with those who struggle in this area, call it perverse but I have a grounding in this area and want to use my knowledge and experience to its fullest.

The problem with things like today is I start to think I could do this and if others like what I’m saying then maybe I’m not a million miles away from the right course for me and I have heard so many service users saying they want to be therapists and the like that I cant believe Im saying something so cliché myself, I dont want to be a therapist just to clarify that but I do think I could offer some effective and relevant assistance to others who need it, like I said its my thoughts that I struggle with and I dont feel I am the right person to make decisions about such important things, but conversely I dont think anyone else has the right to make the decision for me, how fucked up is that??  when I get my head around what I really do want to do and that I may actually have something worthwhile to say then I can move forward which is something I’m scared of in any case.

in the end I will have to make a decision but not for a while, the first year of my degree is broadly based in social sciences so I could in effect change degrees at the end of the year without losing anything in terms of time or efforts. this is the first time I have said or should that be written this down so it will be as much as a surprise to me as anyone else, kidding myself anyone else would care let alone be surprised, the point being the fluidity of my mind and decision making process‘s I may jump a total three sixty in the next few hours, days, weeks or months in fact its almost a given that I will. ultimately I need to make a decision and stick to it, and while I’m at it listen to my own pontificating if they are so good that others benefit from them, or else stop doing them entirely and save anyone the efforts of trying to find something of worth in them.

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