My Homecoming

Posted: August 23, 2011 in Mental Health
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Like many people from south east london I left as soon as I could. My daughter was born and I realised I couldnt bring her up safely where I was from and made the decision to leave for good. I have lived in many places since, from surrey, selhurst and orpington to my current locale which is in Medway in Kent. the road opposite the end of mine is notorious in Strood as being rough whihc is mildly amusing as apart from some very dodgy outside decor theres nothing wrong with it, yes there is a little bit of inbreeding going on but thats the way in Kent and the kids are reasonably polite and friendly, I tower over most of them and width wise Im double them again so maybe its me but the wife agrees theres little to worry about and the people who ostrasise the road dont know theyre born to be honest.

So life story over I went into London todaywith my wife and son to visit my dad and go to the science museum, all good and quite a nice day for everyone I think but it did come with complications, for a start I feel odd when I go to my dads as I pass my old house on the way in and I had some very tough times while living there, almost everything that has gone wrong in my life started while I was there along with the majority of my scars both physical and emotional so yes I do feel weird about being so close to it even for a while.

We were dropped off in Vauxhall near the tube and just walking through the tunnel towards the entrance was freaky, I have fought pitched battles along this peice of land as well as being shot nearby so I can understand why bit it feels wrong to give a shit about this stuff anymore after all so much water has flown under the bridge since then I shouldnt have time to care, what with all my other issues but I do and always will I guess. Even being in South Kensington has memories attached and the museum itself didnt live up to my reminiscence at all, its all very polished and slick and doesnt have the touchy feely thing I loved about it, I couldnt find the static machine anywhere which was my favourite thing even though my hair isnt likely to raise any more I wanted to get the chance to try it, there were loads of great things dont get me wrong but it wasnt like it used to be and like all middle aged men I wish I could have those times again, just to jog the receding memory for a moment or two.

So going back to my Dads through the streets of Vauxhall again, then  back into Kennington onto the very estate I was dragged up on is very taxing but necessary and I want to be able to just turn up and chill out, not think of anything but whats to come rather than who and why I was let down by, the violence and neglect are etched into my mind and as such have an incredible hold on my life today, years of therapy have lessened the effect and yes I do have the will power to withstand this constant reminder of my past but I dont want to have to.

My BPD is directly attributed to what went on while I lived on that estate, I have to pass the hospital where everything went wrong on a regular basis and all these things link up in my psyche and get me going, in the dark old days that would have kicked off into a proper strop which if handled wrongly could become a lot worse, no one had to do or say anything to get me going I just went off on one like a spinning top, I now know it is this stimulation of my emotions by the memories of where I am but knowing this doesnt prevent it from happening, it just allows me to insert a filter to my emotions which generally alleviates the reaction and ergo the problem, I dont want to have to do this anymore, the effort it takes is sometimes too much and while I use humour and pathos to disguise whats happening to me its tedious for me and no doubt those around me.

What do I do, not go back which isnt really an option my Dad and his family are there and they are important to me so the answer has to include the fact I dont have a choise in whether I see these reminders or not and my emotional strength is not as prodigious as my physical used to be, am I therefore just a ticking bomb and eventually will I go off just to release the growing tension? I dont know, neither do you or my therapists si I sit here and consider whats going to happen and when in a reflective way that may even help, you never know do you.

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