snowed under by my own personality

Posted: August 21, 2011 in Mental Health
Tags: , , ,

I’m alone at the moment, wife and son have gone for a day out and thats great, I want them to have fun and I wasnt invited so why should they miss out, there is a problem though and its that old addage of making work for idle hands, in this case minds.

I did my nromal routine, in jections and pills followed by large amounts of weetabix and coffee, this is done in a trance like state so no thinking intrudes into my life at this stage but then I wake up fully and having no one to talk to or listen to more importantly I get to listen to the one person who makes no sense and can be horribly cruel without good reason, myself. Nothing I do or say to myself will shake this attitude, I need outside stimula to break the pattern and trying to engage with the dog or the TV does nothing these days and it worries me to a degree as very shortly I will be alone more often than not.

The wife is returning to work after her career break, she had to be home to make sure I did nothing stupid or disappeared and my boy is back to school, both good things but it does have me concerned as to whether I am being honest when I say I’m cool with everything and life will be back to sembelence of normality. I have lots to do in the near future, my mentoring work will resume once the schools are back and I have my Samaritans training to do alongside my two degree courses, this is all good stuff but I have the creeping doubt that I will screw this all up if left to my own devices and doubt my abilities in every way, very BPD I know but thats no consolation at this time.

Truth is I will sit back after writing this and tear my arguement to shreds, Im not a diagnosed shizophrenic but I have very real dialogue in my head with different voices acing like a parliament of sorts, trying to run my life as a democracy of these differing attitudes and voices can be tiring, it has many advantages as well dont get me wrong, I have the innate ability to look at everything from a vast array of angles, sometimes too many to be useful but quite often I can use this to reason through things most folks havent even tried before, in my writing I can utilise it to give depth to characters who may be unconsionable and if we are arguing and my mind is in the right way I can even see where the other person is coming from and mitigate my anger this way.

The reason I sat down to write at all was to continue a post I was writing yesterday before I went out and I should be lauded for not posting it, boy if you thought my last blog was bad, and it was then this one would have had you wiping your own hardrive to get this one off of it, I’m not being self deprecating in this just honest and maybe brutally so but it still makes it true and I worry that I pontifcate about things as part of my suprerority complex, when I get praise for anything I hate it but if I dont I feel undervalued, sounds familiar no doubt but its getting to me at the moment because I have no one here to check things out with and this is my most dangerous time, the world falls into my own set of rules and they are no conducive to good mental health, whatever that means.

If i was a self harmer in the traditional sense I would most likely have done something this morning to awaken my mind and get it away from the crap its going through, I am fortunate in the sense mine is a very internal harm but I dont see it as any less serious as it has led me to do very dangerous and destructive things which could have resulted in harm to others as well am myself. the fact it my own company is not very good for me, I need something else which I go online in search of and usually dont find it there either, I will just have to work harder on my recovery, you do need to work hard all the timke to maintain any sort of recovery in my mind and thats the difference between us and the rest of the world, our normality is the result of hard work behind the scenes whereas theres is the status quo, I finish by sayoing not to worry for my well being, just be aware of the possibility it could happen to you as well and be on guard for it folks.


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