Selfish, Self Centred or Self preservation

Posted: August 14, 2011 in Mental Health
Tags: , , , , ,

My wife has called me selfish again this weekend, not a massive shock as she changes her opinion on why I do anything according to her mood at the time, this may seem fair but I dont have the luxury of self regulation on stuff like this so have to believe her or not and I am lothe to doubt her but it seems unfair to me to be called selfish when I have been told to look out for myself and use this as a way of improving how i connect with others.

I went out to see a friend on saturday afternoon, I was feeling antsy and wanted to get out for a while, this seems reasonable there were no other plans in the running and the weather and my mood combined for a bit of serendipidous good fortune, so off I went after agreeing to take the dog out on my return, this all seemed to be fine if not exactley desrieable for everyone else, added to this I went to the cinema friday night to see something my nephew wouldnt be able to so took the chance to go and see it, I enjoyed it was back in good time and spent a decent evening with the wife watching stuff we had on Sky+, all seemed ok but apparently it wasnt at least not after some suling and deliberation, now apparently these were acts of selfishness and I was a terrible person who thought of no one else, not paraphrasing here either.

How do I win this one, I do as expected 90% of the time as opposed to 10% before and still its not enough, I try hard to fitn everyone elses needs in before my own as the “Getting my needs met” thing irritates me and I think its crap to even consider this when youre puitting everyone else through hell just to do so, all this I do under duress on occasion and almost always with a great deal of effort to hold myself in check and whatnhappens, someone gets a bit grumpy and turns it all into shit because they want to dig me out. Most people dont matter to me on the grand scheme of things, their opinions are like their arses they all have one and I dont want to be exposed to it but my wife who is more than aware of my struggles and sacrifices does hold sway with me and her words said in jest or anger are just as relevant and in most cases hurtful.

My BPD is a family problem and as such I shouldnt be the only one working to prevent it from disturbing family life, I do my bit and expect my older children and the wife to do theirs, If i am in a bid mood I extrecate myself until I’m in a reasonable one and shouldtn have to explain it, the fact I felt it necessary on its own should be enough for everyone and if later I can talk about it then alls the better, but this isnt the case and while my wife has the right to moan and bitch as much as anyone it should be taken into account I am not average and may not take this in the nromal manner, I will try my best to dont get me wrong, I’m not playing the BPD card although its valid I just think saying things when youre being pissed off by outside influences you should check youre own attitude when dealing with someone who is vunerable emotionally and can be easily angered.

If this makes me selfish then so be it, I think its more on the self preservation side of things and will argue my case until I win, now thats BPD for you, and until such a time exists when I can be expected to react normally in 99% of situations its best to tread carefully and allow me to e wierd and go out if I see the need, rant over

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