Not an obvious heading in this catergory I hear you say but I have been thinking about it and some things do happen for a reason, yes they may have been awful things and should never have happened but they did and there can be some silver linings, very pale but there nonetheless.

I read a very good blog by a blogging buddy about the labels we have been given and she did a good job at debunking them and it got me thinking, kudos to sharon for setting me on this path and thanks for the inspiration. As I sat in my therapy session listening to all the bad stuff we endure I thought about trying to offer some solace and a new perspective becasue all I had added was corroboration for their bad thoughts, they were justified and as such valid. so I got thinking about the people in the room I cared about and the interesting things I’d spoken about, learned and experiences I have had because of the BPD.

firstly is the great people who I have met through my mental health problems, firstly in Hospital and then social support and finally the unit, they are some of the most loving and caring people I have ever heard of. if not for my problems these people would have passed me by, I no doubt would have written them off as cranks and loons and been one of the horrible people who look down at them. mental health patients tend to be more interested in why things are going on without snap judgements and alomost all of those I have met have been prepared to accept deficiences in others as a matter of course something the “normal people” struggle to do on any account.

there is also the wealth of experience I have encountered through my dealing especially in the unit , hearing others tales has impacted my life severely but not always in a negative, yes the events were horrific and I would do anything to have these things never happen to anywayone much less my friends but through hearing how these things have affected them it has served as a guide for how things should be done, hearing the impact of someone elses behaviour  which is like something I might have done myself has saved me and others from making the same mistakes, the salutory lessons are the most important and I’m sure that each of us would find some crumb of comfort on knowing our horrific stories served to help at least one other child or even adult.

the BPD has also altered my thinking in many ways and as a prospective author I can utilise this for my own purposes, twisted and macabre maybe but original and authentic too. The generic writing out there does nothing to open the mind for others and it may be trite to think it but I want to spread my damaged mind into all my prose to allow the depth of my strange feelings to come across, yes I would much rather have never experienceed the things I did but I cant turn back time so I must play the hand Ive been dealt and if this improves my style of writing then all the better for it, I hope to one day have work published and cover this subject matter with a degree of honesty that hopefully benefits others, lofty and unreaslistic possibly but that my dream and I’m entitled to one whether I have BPD or not.

and the ultimate result of this thing I have is it has made me a better person, from my fathering skills to my behaviour as a husband things have changed and they wouldnt have if this hadnt happened. there is a very real possibility that I would have continued on in my mysoginistic ways, abusing my circle of friends and family in the style of a crocodile, smiling as I delivered the lashes, on the otside it seemed to be harmless joking bit in reality I was an unpleasent and uncouth bastard who needed to change to allow my family to experience the better things in life, and by this I mean Love and security not flats screen tvs and foreign holidays.

BPD has made me the man I am now and far from being perfect I am wonderfully cracked, my flaws run so deep they can be seen from space and although I do slip back every now and then I dont have the hang ups that the labellers would have me believe are my lot in life, I am doing what I want on my terms and if this is manipulative or attention seeking then so what I see so much negative behaviour from the “normal people” that accepted as the nrom that I just couldnt give a shit anymore, God bless the BPD and all who ail with her,be yourself and let others deal with it their own way, as long as you try then the endeavour itself is enough.

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  1. […] BPD reasons to be cheerful (stevegoldsack.wordpress.com) […]

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