And so it begins

Posted: August 6, 2011 in Mental Health
Tags: , , ,

I dont know how to classify this, its either my BPD and therefore I can get away with it, because as you know BPDF means nothing is your fault and you have to be forgiven automatically, thats like a law or soemthing I’m sure Ive read that somewhere, or its just my beligerence and therefore I dotn have a reasonable defence for it. By it I mean my terrible penchant for ignoring professional advice whether it be doctors, teachers or other well meaning folks, I know better and will do my own thing, fact is I usually do and things work out for me, but its not 100% and this causes problems for me.

I have receieved some advice from my tutors on my degree, its a booklet designed to help me learn to actively listen and take notes and the like, nothing too taxing and there some little exercises whihc would probably help me out but as I read it I’m saying to myself, I dont need to do that, or that and thats pointless because I’m already good at that, this may be true in some instances its not universal and this may cause me problems when it comes to my studies and most likely my life in general.

They say that recognising a problem gets you half way to solving it but no this time, because the biligerent me says that its not a problem and I am quite justified in my opinions that I am more than capable of doing everything my own way and competeing with the rest of the planet, mainly because I am superior, thats where I think the BPD may be coming in. now if as i suspect it is my BPD then how do I work on it, my therapy isnt very intensive these days and the advice isnt likley to cut it because my beligerence cuts in and I stop listening. this does extend to my writing where i crave others input but immediatley dismiss it because they havent written their own book or they are biased or dont want to hurt my feelings, it doesnt matter which their opinions are discarded as a result, I do think I will latch on to any professional criticism however as this will only affirm my feelings of, and yes I know the is contradictory, of inferiority where my writing talents are concerned.

Ultimately I have to find a way of doing this educational stuff despite my inherant disbelief in the tutors right to teach me, added to thios I need to know i can trust my own judgement while not believing my own hype, its a conundrum and one I havent got my head round yet but suffice to say I will try, and if by any chance you want to comment on how i could get past this I wouldnt bother I probably wont listen even if its the best advice in the world.


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