You should aught to leave me alone you know

Posted: July 27, 2011 in Mental Health

Woohoo I’m alone in the house on a week night just me and the dog and shes celebrating by laying on the sofa and the bed and everywhere elses shes not allowed to normally. MY wife gave up work three and a half years ago in an attempt to keep me safe and in the united kingdom, not an easy task I tell you and apart from a long sabbatical in north america and a few hospital stays she has been alongside me all the time, or at the very least an hour away, but not tonight.

I have been out most of the day with my Dad, part time hero and all round good egg, we talk about everything from family disputes and health scares to the size of arsenals squad, I dont care be he does so we talked about it, what we dont talk about is me, not in any meaningful way and its just because we migth have to discuss the apportioment of blame and he may know where that might lead, and icertainly do so we stay away, this would be cool if we both didnt know that the other was actively avoiding the elephant in the room. that said we solved a few world crisis and planned chelseas midfield for next season so it wasnt a waste of time. I leave there and talk to my older sister on the phone, wierd thing, i talk to no one for six months thyen all three of my older siblings in a matter of days and they all think I’m now cured of BPD because i had therapy, i cant get it into their heads that this isnt chemo, its a treatment designed to do certain things and yes its good and done great things but not a cure, it makes them uncomfortable i guess.

so here Iam at home, the dog is settled I have bought myself treats that would have my diabetic nurse getting a hit out on me and im wandering around in my pants , yes as i write this I am half naked, this may sound very sexy but unless youre a gay guy who likes the bear thing trust me its not. the time I have to myself has been filled thus far with a really bad movie and some unsuitable food, i am trying very hard to not realise that there is no one to orevent me doing anything at all, quite literally I am able to treat myself in anyway i like for a whole night.

having this power for the first time in three and half years and knowing the crazy shit i did last time i had it is a worry, for me but not anyone else it seems, i feel like the cleverest person on earth, I do have to state that I may have a right to do so but accept that its as of yet unverified. I have tricked the grown ups into believeing i am one and now i am left wondering how to best use this new situation. the very fact i am writing this is a very good sign, im being creative and not destructive althought the pull to do something blatantly wrong is seductive right now. Well i guess we are going to have to wait to see what a full on child somehwere between five and forty one years old can do with an entire night without adult supervision, although the dog is like 11 which is 77 in dog years.

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