Posted: July 26, 2011 in Mental Health

I live by a simple set of rules these days, in my wildest days of BPD I had loads of rules, for me and everyone else, some were reasonable but most were crazy shit that no one could ever deilver the goods on, especially me. one of my rules I use now is to help the ones I have a chance of helping and leave the rest to their misery, this may be harsh but its helping me keep a lid on my rescue everyone condition which drove me mental in the early days of therapy, i literally wanted to get the addresses of every evil child abusing wanker off of these people and go out and finish their pitiful existences, not condusive to good treatment and I fought hard to rid myself of this problem.

Now I was concerned I had just hardened up, that the horrible stories we shared were just so bad I couldnt process any more and gave in trying, I hope thats not the case as it would mean I am a hell of a long way from getting better which I like to believe is happening right now as I pour my crap into the blog, my new therapy. I wonder when i hear other sufferers bleat on, I know thats a harsh way to describe it but being a bastard is part of my thing these days, a defence mechanism apparently. they bemoan their situation without making any efforts to improve it, I have talked myself hoarse trying to move them forward and believe me when i say these people do not want to get better, the wallowing in self pity is their chosen lot min life and therapy that might just change everything completely and yes it can and does, isnt allowed to effect them.

I do know that the rules of Triage on the battlefield are sacrosanct, save those who have a chance, they dont ignore the others but it is dogma that these men should be given every chance to survive and in my mind this same rule applies, i will literally crawl over broken glass to help others, very often to my own detriment but if I feel its not being used in the manner its implied then I will as quickly pull the plug and move on, I dont stop the efforts in fact i would redouble them in the correct direction.

If my method of deciding who to aid and who to ignore seem harsh again I apologise and would ask anyone to tell me how better to manage my own shit while trying my best to shoulder the support of those I deem worth, and maybe its the fact its me who deems them worthy that is most telling, they dont always feel they are, while others have an opinion that they should be given every second of our attention. All I can say is my friend who fight alongside me against this condition can rely on me through everything and the people I left behind probably wont enter my mind once theyre gone so I can live with myself regardless and i wasnt saying that a year ago.


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