Dude wheres my life

Posted: July 22, 2011 in Mental Health

I have been sitting in my seat in the corner of my front room while the wife watched Paul, good fun I recommend it, and started to read some shakespeare, it was nice and I wondered why, when i have read loads of books, many classics that i havent taken the time to read the bard and I realised I didnt have the time, I was so busy using my reading as a means of distraction that I forgot it could be a wonderful way of getting enjoyment, you see I wasnt trying to enjoy myself just keep the brain otherwise engaged, if i allowed myself the time I would plan and execute a truly machavellian ploy to screw mine and everyone associated with me’s life up.

I recently spoke of my wants and wishes and there was a collective gasp when i said I wasnt looking for Happiness, not in the slightest, i am merelt searching for an absence of sadness, which might sound a bot sad and defeatist but truly its not, I’m not american and therefore the pursuit of happiness isnt constitutionally my right so why would I expect it as a matter of course. true happiness for me is something that isnt earned or attained but just happens, riches and love have their rewards yes but the thing i call happiness isnt brought about these things so trying to achieve it isnt possible, if you stop looking and try to just not be sad very often you find that something akin to it comes along by a form of osmosis.

My decire if you can give it so strong a word is not in anyway negative in fact by definition its positivly acheivable and if we set our goals too high we just set ourselves up to fail and that causes the self hatred that leads to the dark depressing place where we a worthless, if my plan denies that set of thoughts to exist it is working very well and in being nit sad i am a whole lot closer to being anything else, happy included. in this striving I need to allow some time to try out this enjoyment thing that gets such good press, there a whole side of the british culture dedicated to it, and to be honest as a reasonably intelligent guy I have proven myself to be lacking something fundemental when it comes to this stuff.

I enjoyed stuff more as a younger man, beer, girls fighting and football was just about Nirvana for me, added to this were Nirvana, pearl Jam and the chilli peppers and things were gravy, or so I’m told because that question in the heading is a real one, I know from anecdotal evidence, photographs and video that i have done these things, drank copiously for long periods without recourse, travelled extensivley and seen wonders of the world both modern and ancient but I dont have personal access to these memories, my life with all the rich experience and education, the training and reading, the meeting of interesting people in some very serendipidous situations is lost behind a wall which I assume is there to stop me noticing how the pursuit of anything could bring about pleasure, which if I’m honest is painful because it could lead me to wish and endeavour to attain smething so fleeting as to leave an unfillable void in its place when it is finished.

I ask where my life is not in an attempt to find out where it is just why i cant use the experiences of my life for a better life, to attain the happiness I have foresworn in favour of the no longer sad situation. if anyone can guide me to a safer path then please do, no mysticism or theological answers, ive read all the great books, from the Torah to the Koran and everything in between and found nothing to answer my questions, that not a criticism if you have found something in this realm all credit to you, I have come to the conclusion that I am not likely to hear a voice other than my own and i dont want to be the one answering the questions I’ve got.

my life is there for me to see, i choose not to at this time and until such a day I will forever be searching for where it went and the sonnets might just be an enjoyable distraction for now, if you do get my giste then happy hunting and may you get what you deserve, not what others think you do either.


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