BPD a lifestyle choice??

Posted: July 20, 2011 in Mental Health

This is a crazy title I know but I had another epiphany moment, at this rate I may become a preacher with all the voices in my head singing the same song, Its F**king mental at times, it may be a bit hard to understand but I’ll give it go.

It all started Tuesday driving to my volunteer thing, I was wondering about work and what that would look like these days, I fancy the life of a reclusive author and believe me I’m doing my best on that front. You may have seen the guest post by Sharon about her return to work, it was an eexcellent bit og blogging and i read it with a mixture of emotions, awe, terror, confusion, sympathy, more terror and inadequacy, not a reflction on sharon just my feelings about working, now or in the future, it feels like I have no choice in the matter, I cant so I wont, not even to try it out. Now I’m well aware of the black and white thinking thing, and the grey area sounds too boring for me to dwell anywhere near, but in truth I dont really want to, i feel alive in the extremes and rightly or wrongly I want feel that thing for as long as its there, I have been in the darkest holes of despair, the kind of places physicist have wets dreams about, a complete absence of matter and I have found by hook or by crook a way to avoid these places, and it may not be the healthiest method but its currently a successful one.

that said I was driving somewhere to do a days work in quite an important role, not on the cprorate ladder but to my charges , thety trust me and respect what we do together, so how do i get out of bed everytime and get there washed dressed and willing to work, surely this is defacto working and should be transferable talents into the world of paid employment, I spent a whol year in treatment and snow and ice,hot sun and wind and rain nothing stopped me attending, almost always on time, two late days because of car trouble, this would getme employee of the month if i applied the same tenacity to work, but i dont and i think in my epiphany i worked out why.

I have a very rigid system of behaving, when i am well its automatic reactions that most of those who know can predict to a degree, and number one trait, before oxygen and water comes reliability, not just ina professional setting but everywhere, if you ask me to lend a hand and i say yeah be there at nine, i wont be the at 8.59 looking for a coffee, i will be ther at 8.50 having had my breakfst and coffee and ready to get on with it, regardless of distance or weahter i will be there. this is how i dealt with therapy, if it says i should be there on such and such day at 10 am and for the next twelve months i will move heaven and erth to be there, because the only thing stronger in me than the soul destroying despair that wants me to stay where i am, in bed safely under the covers wallowing is my word, to not follow up on what i have promised to do would be tantamount to suicide, and that word means an awful lot to me and i dont use it without thought.

the day i say I’ll be there and i dont turn up, excepting force majeur, will be the begining of the end, all the work i have set myself to fulfil is as good as cast in stone I’ll do it, but taking these things to emplymnet doesnt hold water, if i am going to turn up every day at an alotted time it has to mean something, money doesnt hold that for me, it cheapens my efforts and my new currency is seeing the benefits of my hours spent working in the lives of those i work with and for, so whil i admire and respect Sharon and thos like her, their strength isremarkable i will not be treading onto that path for a while to come, this doesnt mean I will be idle, i will fill everyday with something of purpose and value, just not monetary vaues is all.

so is my BPD a lifestyle choice, well i guess the answer is yes but a positive one where the fruits of my labour work two fold, theykeep a mind easily distracted by despair and violence completely employed by good works, not saving the planet or a pygmy pig but young people and other like us, if anyone decides the’yd like to pay me for this stuff i wouldnt say no in truth they couldnt afford.

  1. showard76 says:

    Another great post Steve, I fully understand why you don’t want to go to work and the reasons you mention are the only reason i make it there each day, at least 10 minutes early and give it my all, even though I would rather be curled up in bed with my writing! If I wasn’t so determined to have a ‘career’ I would just hang it all and write, I don’t need to work, my partners income is enough for us, but I feel ‘lazy’ if I’m not doing my fair share (even though what I end up doing is ‘beyond’ a fair share, lol) Voluntary work is a fine contribution, whenever I have been out of paid work I have done lots of volunteering to fill my time in a way that is more flexible to cope with, keep up the good work 🙂

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