Free at last, free at last

Posted: July 13, 2011 in Uncategorized

Hi, these few days without broadband access have tested my mettle and I have been craving an oppurtunity to blog about how I was feeeling, as always the moment has been lost so the best I can do is give an overall impression of the problems its caused me.

firstly and probably most important it has made me feel like i have let people down, there were a few things I promised to do that I couldnt, both related the my blog and also my volunteering. i did try and pre warn those involved of my problem and I’m certain they were fine about it but it was what i felt about it that caused me aggro. I am nothing if not a man of my word, I have been backed into some very hairy corners just to stand by often ill advised words, fighting for a lost and unjust cause because I offered to help if I could, this was a main stay of my twenties, where undiagnosed as I was, I would assume my judgement was pukka and get on with it, I have sailed very close to the wind legaly because of these decisions and as much as I shouldnt offer my word I do and stand by it to this day. This is not to say I have promised to do anything wrong or untoward, the point is I will quite literally kill myself to stand by it and I wasnt able to do this, because BT are muppets, their inadequacies have made mine become obvious for a short time.

Feeling like Ive let some one down buys into my own feeling of not being good enough, I can hear other people telling me Ive failed and this winds me up, in my wound up state I am hypersensitive and then this leads to anger and frustration which in turn winds me up and the circle continues, all because of a bloody failing broadband provider. I have since fulfilled my obligations, my words not the reality of the situation but I shouldnt be made to feel this way by outside sources, I should, in my opinion, be able to evaluate any situation logically and act accordingly, BPD or not. what I learned was I have the infinite capacity to screw myself over woith very little assistance from the world at large, and this saddens me as I have been making leaps and bounds on my path to the future me, the happy, successful eloquent, handsome, skinnier and more hirsute version in my mind. Yeah I know fantasy is just that but I have achievable ideas that I am working towards and any feeling of a potential knock back is unwelcome and truly hurtful at this juncture.

So whats to be done? i cant change the situation in reality, the feelings have been felt and cannot be taken back, even the copious amounts of medication I take cant do that, but i can make some adjustments for the future, set myself some guidelines that if followed will hopefully serve as a buffer between the instant emotions which are generally rather overblown and dramatic and the secondary feelings that follow thoughts and evaluations, these are usually rather sensible and can be managed even if they are a bit aggressive and angry. in short I can and will plan to be better, not in the snse of an american soldier being all that they can be, I dont think you can turn a middle aged, balding fat bloke with a personality disorder into a younger, hairier skinnier one, I was once a bit of a brad pitt of my generation, this was during the height of my BPD so what i saw in the mirror may have been slightly distorted, I like to think not but its possible thats all I’m saying. No i will endeavour to put my emotions on hold for as long as it takes to fathom out what the appropriate reaction should be, if after all this I still feel like killing someone then I will fall back on my as yet unpublished serial killer plan, but I’m hopeful with some common sense I will be detered fromactually killing someone, or thing any time soon.

Anyway I am back on line finally and this little bit of writing has quashed some of my angst for now so who knows if BT manage to do their job and the other service providers I rely on on a day to day basis keep the faith then I might actually have no reason to test these new found ideas, I wont be holding my breath though, and it does make for an interesting blog once in a while.

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