fact or fiction

Posted: July 5, 2011 in Mental Health

Its been a few days since I wrote anything of note on my blog, thats assuming that anything I wrote before was noteworthy in the first place I guess. I have been completely consumed by writing my Novel, I call it that but at the moment its a creative writing project that has delusions of grandeur. This is no bad thing as I have had complete writers block for about two years, a few bits of poetry doesnt constitute much when I was prolific before hand. The reason I have been so engrossed is my ideas have been flowing like a raging torrent at the moment, great you’d think but trying to switch off is impossible and the things I’m writing about have a very dark and twisted side to them, I am having to reign in my psyche as I dont want to be too gratuitous and thereby cut off a huge potential readership and to be fair its not necessary from a narrative point of view, but it doesnt stop these ideas from forming and being out there.

I guess I should just be pleased to have my mojo back, the lack of it was terrible at times and I used it as a stick to beat myself with, how could I be a worthwhile person if the only thing I had any talent at was gone, it fed my insecurities and blew everything else out of proportion, very BPD I know but I didnt say I had an original life, just lots of original ideas. I do wonder as I sit and tap away at the laptop whether I should incorporate some of the BPD stuff into the story, It would be easy enough as I wouldnt really need to do any research and if it did get published, a dream I know but like most of my fantasies almost believable, it might get BPD into more people concious and that would be good right? The thing is there would only be room for the negative side of things, my story has a vunerable victim, a psycho and a career killer, not that this is everything about them but who would be the BPD sufferer, a victim, cliche the psycho not very PC and the soldier wouldnt be able to function in his job would he?

so I decided to leave it out, maybe in something i write in the future I will find room for this personal subject, and if i did it I would be duty bound to do it right, thats why I have never been tempted to go down the biography route, I’ve seen the books and the claim to offer helpful insight, and I’m sure that for a few people they do but each and every one of the people I know with BPD is so different in so many ways, yes we have the classic stuff, the histrionics, schizoid and schizotypal traits but that something we do, it doesnt define us and there is so much more to it, if I wrote my story it would be useful to a very small percentage of others, it might be interesting to soe=me but i wouldnt want to be an educator, I dont feel beholdent to tell the world of our travails, they should be bloody interested out of human concern for others not because they read a book one sunny afternoon. Its not a fair position I get that but I really hate the fact we are marginalised by society, even by mental health proffessionals and I cant think of anything more unfair in this disaster scene of a life i’ve led.

So anyway I’m writing and enjoying it, even the hard bits are a real challenge, I wont go into too much detail here but there is some real heart ache and trauma and trying to convey this is extremely rewarding for me, I said i hadnt included any BPD stuff but I have used my experiences to embellish the situations, my psycho is endowed with many of my worst qualities, although in no way based on me, and my victim has suffered in many ways I can relate to, I guess thats where the strength of any story lies in the believability of the characters and their situations. Anyway the reason I’m writing this is to explain my relative inactivity on my blog, its temporary I promise and as soon as something happens I will no doubt fire up the laptop and rant away as usual.


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