From the sublime to the ridiculous, to the more ridiculous

Posted: June 24, 2011 in Mental Health

I am more than a little crazy, ther I said it and I dont care who knows, depending on the day of the week I can be anything from dire depressive to full on psychopath and anything in between, not manic though, which is a shame as it would save me a lot of effort trying to cheer myself up on occasion.

Whther this is all doown to the BPD I dont know after all I am very english and eccentricity is our thing, although we dont have as many serial killers as other nations so psychopathy is unlikely to be a character trait of my ancestors. I do know that I am the progeney of warriors, the army has been in my family for generations and killing does seem to be a natural instinct, one I’m desperate to try out but not willing to forego my freedom to experience. Anyway as I was saying I do admit to some insanity and I try very hard to hide this from the people of Kent, its not their problem and I dont want ot frighten folks unecessaryly. I try to limit the exposure of my nuttiness to my therapy and even then I keep the good shit to myself. We talked about how we all had to some degree upsetting thoughts of violence and I felt quite good about that, less weird and isolated by these things, although it did occur to me that my group mates hadnt actually been planning what they were going to do in minute detail over and over again, or if they do they werent saying anything about it, wise move I guess.

I have had a good couple of days, spent my time in a fulfilling way and generally enjoyed life, the fact I was engaged in conversations and trying to help people was the basis of this happiness. I was left feeling really good about things and even a little bit of therapy couldnt put a downer on me, life as they say was good. Then I sat alone last night watching some banal crap on the Tv and slowly I sank into something of a mire of sickening thoughts. I was going over what I call my serial killer plan, this is a real thing that I have added to over the years, watching CSI and numerous Tv prgrams have educated me in the ways of such things and I know what not to do to avoid detection. I know this is pure fantasy and I dont for one minute think I would ever carry out the plan but its getting really good and I think it could work. The options i have now are to go the whole hog and go postal as they say in the states or write a really good book, which is my preffered choice but at the moment I dont have the minerals to do this.

My next thoughts were how I could use my “Superior” knowledge of evidentiary procedure and forensic systems to my advantage, the long and short answer is not at all, as with most TV freaks my belief in the world they create is sometimes complete and its only with a bit of hind sight I realise they wouldnt show anything that could jeapordise the efforts of law enforcement to catch villains, would they? the upshot of all this thinking is to expose myself to the fact that planning a set of serial killings isnt good for me, or the world at large and I really should try and put my efforts into something more sensible and ultimately more productive but its not easy to change the habits of a life time and as I have already said Im quite insane and this does create a whole set of barriers to logical thought at times. I guess I will always have these fantasys and just as long as I keep them in check my serial killer blog will be kept on the back burner.

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