Get over yourself

Posted: June 23, 2011 in Mental Health

I have been to my regular thursday group and as usual enjoyed most of it, I get to see some amazingly brave people who stand as an inspiration for me and hopefully others in the group. I didnt intend talking today, well not about me but it came up so piped up and in many ways I wish I hadnt, but conversely it was good thing I did.

We were talking about stuff around letting people know us, as we see ourselves etc and I just put it out there that I will deliberately “move the goalsposts” to keep my distance and ensure my mystique is maintained. I was challenged on it, quite rightly and had to say what I was doing, and the lengths I go to to keep up my facade. Now I know this isnt new to me, I am self aware enough to be able to identify these process’s but actually having to say it out loud and then be asked to explain the reasoning behind it was very strange and useful. In my own mind I can justify the actions I use as being a defence against someone becoming too close to me, the intimacy thing was brought up and yes I struggle with it but have moved on leaps and bounds from a year ago. As I was asked the whys and wherefores I had to think on my feet and this somehow broached my very effective self censorship tool which helps me keep everything in line and the bare facts away from prying eyes.

I ended up using words I dont usually have in my vocabulry such as vunerability, as bad a swear word as you can get for me, and I actually admitted to having this profane vunerability thing and my unwillingness to share this with the world at large. I did, in a different part of the group say how much I valued the judgments of the group compared to my total disregard of any opinions of the world at large and this was also an admission I would have done well to keep to myself as I was in my mind handing some power over me to the group, they could in effect have an impact on my psyche and if they wanted to abuse this I would be screwed, it felt wierd but my trust in the process and people in the group is better than I would care to admit. The whole episode brought me to a place I dont visit very often, and that is constructive criticism, I am adept at the negative unrelenting criticism that is part of my depressive mode but to have something of worth to berate myself about isnt very common.

I have to listen to myself and the other wise words and try and get out of this position where I work so hard to maintain a world that doesnt work for me, If I was successful in my endeavours using this current modus operandi then all well and goo but I’m not so why stick with it. Hearing myself speak and mlistening to the reaction of my group mates has somewhat stunned me, as I can hear how stupid I sound and how much sense the others talked. In essence I need to get over myself and move forward as a grown up, someone who trusts in the right people and lives according to the normal rules of life, other people dont look at everyone and assume they are against them just because they havent proven they are for them do they?

Hopefully this is all I need to move another step forward< ihave made giant leaps recently and although I have bad days like everyone I am on a bit of a roll and this could be the ingredient I was missing to finally have the courage to get to the top of my figurative mountain and the belief that I can stay at the top rather than the inevitable decline that follows an ascent, maybe not everything that goes up has to come down and even if there is a chance I could relapse it would be silly to think that avoiding the good things will ensure I dont miss them when it does happen.

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