Posted: June 17, 2011 in Mental Health
Tags: , ,

I have a few small quirks that sometimes show themselves and it can be very embarrassing when I throw a paddy or sulk for no apparent reason, its me and if you are in my life you pretty much take me as I am, warts and all as they say.

One of my big problematic things is mood swings, they catch me unawares and usually ruin a perfectly good day, if not for me then those who have been victims of my surliness or sarcasm. I say this because it happened to me last night while I was trying to work out some incredibly pointless problem on my laptop. I was sitting in my regular chair, as I am right now in fact, and apart from being mildly frustrated with the world of IT I was feeling OK, I had been to football practice with my son and had a nice chat with one of the other dads I have struck up a friendship with, we talk about the old days and football and the general stuff I dont get often enough so I was in a better mood than normal to be honest. anyway so I am sitting there up to no real good when bang, out of nowhere I am in total bastard mode, literally I went from pleasant and chatty to psycho killer in a heartbeat. I told my wife so she could be ready for any odd behaviour that may start and sat there to consider my situation. She was interested in the whys and where fors but there wasnt anything to discuss it just happened and I may be taking it lightly but I just accepted it as the status quo.

In order to relive the tension that was building up in me I took myself out, going to Tesco’s for some bits and pieces and the walk there was quite calming, there was no one out there at that time to aggravate me, which if I’m honest I was kind of hoping there would be, a chance encounter with some of the white trash that populate the streets round here of an evening, you know a boit of dicscourtesy that I could legitimately respond to with agression, well in my head anyway. But no there was no one about, I didnt pass a single soul and in the end I knew this was just as well, I have done a lot of hard work in therapy to avoid this situation and to have slipped up would be like a drinker coming off the wagon.

The short shopping trip wasnt therapeutic in any real sense but it did give me some time without any meaningful stimulae, just rows of groceries and funny looking people wandering about arguing with each other over a tin of peaches. I got what was required, stuff we didnt need but wanted, which is another weakness I have. I paid on an automated machine so I never spoke a single word all the time I was out, and no one spoke to me and I liked that. I arrived home calmer than when I had left and sat down to watch some TV, my meds were due and they always bring me down so I know I dont have too long to bear the ill feelings I was experiencing, the wife went to bed shortly after I got back so she was no longer a target or annoyance, she knew this and was happy to leave me to stew I think.

With her gone and my choice of TV on I set about trying to dissect what had happened and the sheer speed of the change, I dont enjoy navel gazing I find it leads to dark thought but if I am to stop these things from happening then I have to address the causes and work towards preventing them from reoccuring in the future. It was a long boring process which didnt result in any enlightenment but I had to allow myself to be congratulated on actually voicing my feelings and managing to do something to try and adress them, albeit with an alterior motive of getting into a prospective fight, maybe I wouldnt have done anything if I had locked horns with some scurvy chav, you never know and the fact is I did normal things like walking and shopping while in this mood, that is new I normally go into myself and cannot perform the simplest of tasks, so kudos to me there I say.

the crux of all this is I am aware of my faults, whether thay are due to BPD or just character quirks I dont know but I am dealing with them better and thats an improvement for everyone who has the misfortune to interact with me in the course of their days, hell I might even smile at people, who knows?


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