Coincidences or conspiracies

Posted: June 8, 2011 in Uncategorized

I’m pretty level headed, on a good day that is, not allowing for my totally paranoid days and the occasional BPD blip, on the whole I think straight and can reason most things. This is my justification for feeling very wierd about something that is purely coincidental as far as I can reasonably tell but when out in context with other events make me feel something is going on. I dont usually have supernatural thoughts, blaming most things on natural stuff and reasonable explanations, there was a ghost story in my past which I was convinced by a therapist was merely a psychotic fantasy, I say merely like they are pretty average everyday occurences, but I am now doubting this hypothesis.

The reason for my unnerved demeanor is a chance conversation with someone I have known a few months, we were sitting in a bit of down time between mentoring roles whan I asked where he had come from originally, I knew he was a Londoner like me but that all I knew at this point. He says he’s from my area, quite a big place so no biggie, then he narrows it down to my estate, again quite large, a few thousand inhabitants so chances of meeting another one is relatively high I guess, then he says he lived not two minutes from where I was brought up, right round the corner, he knew my school, all his mates had gone there although he hadnt and we talked about the changes thatn had happened there recently. I was there a few weeks ago so was more up to datewith goings on, the loss of the Lambeth Walk to houses, the Bingo hall becoming flats and one of the old tower blocks having been demolished years ago, all news to him.

Now on its own this is just a coincidence and I agree thats what it is, but it happens to me all the time, I have met people on four different continents who have lived around the corner from me or knew my family, I even met an american ex service man in a bar in Nowheresville USA who had told me to fuck off as a kid, long funny story but we established this fact in california probably twenty years after the intial interaction. Is this normal? I dont like even telling these stories any more because they are so incredible I worry I sound like a bullshitter, at first it was an interesting anecdote about the man I met in the middle of the Sahara Desert as a school kid who knew my elder sister and lived two doors down at one point, strange but it happens I guess, but when it has happened in Australia and Turkey as well, to a lesser degree but equally strange to me. I have an issue which is directly attributed to my condition, I recognise people wherever I go, not just one or two but literally whole airports, its a bit like deja vu, I see these people and want to speak to them because I am certain we know each other, in my paranoid phases this is terrifying as I think that they are my enemies coming to gang up on me, I havent ever acted on these weird thoughts before but have often been ready to attack someone at a moments notice if they proved to be what I feared most. This I have been told is usual, if not quite normal for someone with BPD so I can understand these situations but whats going on with meeting people from a pub I went to once in Stockport to watch a football match ona beach in turkey four years later, thats not likely to happen once is it, but added to the other instances of coincidence I start to worry.

There is nothing sinister in this I’m sure, why would there be right? but I cant escape the feeling that they are too much to be explained easily away, I mean statisticaly they are rare, but some people do get hit by lightning more than once, even then I dont really know who I am concerned has been causing this things to happen. I dont have a God, or higher being in general so its not likely to come from there I havent ever been involved in anything where an agency would target me for special treatment, I’ve nothing to hide or spill out that might pay someone to discredit my mind prior to the event, so who or what is doing this? if anything or anyone really is.

The facts are there to be seen, I have been involved in more than my fair share of coincidences, like I said I dont even bother to tell people about them anymore because its implausible that this could happen to one person and I dont want to ruin my credibilty by trying to convince people they are true, I even doubt myself sometimes but I know in my heart of hearts they are true and so I am left with this odd feeling that its going to keep happening to me and I will probably get bored telling people how weird it is to meet them there so far from where we had a connection, maybe I wont go anywhere else and thereby avoid the need to find some far off connection, everyone I meet will be a neighbour, wont they?

As for the seeing people I recognise everywhere I go, I kind of enjoy it now, I have an explanation and thats settled my paranoia so I have fun with it in my head, giving them back stories and personalities, it helps with my creative writing and thats all good as far as I’m concerned.

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