On my own

Posted: June 3, 2011 in Mental Health

Today is a strange and very rare day for me as I am completely on my own, which hardly ever happens and I cant decide if I like it or not. The benefits are I can watch all the stuff I have on my sky+ box, which isnt necessarly a good thing as I record some crap when I’m sitting there in a stupor letting my meds kick in, I also get to do anything I want in the house, and theres the nub of my situation, I am pretty much stuck in the house, I go and walk the dog round the park but a short walk is the furthest I can truly go because I have no transport and no money so here I sit twiddling my thumbs and wondering if there is anything I can do to eliminate my onset of boredom.

I’m not very good on my own as a rule, my wife had to give up work for nearly three years to monitor me, I was prone to leave the country, break stuff and generally screw things up if I was alone so she took a career break and basically baby sat me throughout my therapy and the time I was on the waiting list. Knowing my struggles means I can plan ahead and try to ensure I’m not on my own in doors very often, I have to take over the responsibility for my youngest son so he will be around before and after school and my volunteering will hopefully take up the slack, I sometimes think I am trying to kid myself by busying myself but I am determined to buy into this and use my time with some purpose, that is my new buzz word now Purpose.

Throughtout therapy, or rather once I had settled in, my watch word was Mitigation, it allowed me to see the other perspective and not judge everything I heard straight away, I learned to mitigate everything and this allowed me the precious resource of thought, instead of using my gut feeling to make decisions I had a buffer that gave me time to reason my response in some way and hopefully form a sensible, real world type of reaction. This may seem normal but for someone with BPD it can be a huge struggle and with the power given to me by mitigation I was able to move forward with my treatment, and I believe that keeping a watch word in my head was the key, so now I add a word rather than replace one, Purpose is a good thing, it implies that there is a genuine reason for what you are doing and allows you to believe in your actions whatever they may be. So here I am alone, not very happy about it but with a firm plan for the eventuality of this happening again, Purpose is a nice word that will keep me safe from myself and with mitigation I think I can really allow space for optimism.

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