Ravings from the edge

Posted: May 30, 2011 in Mental Health

I’m not especially calm at the best of times, I can be down right ratty at the best of times and usually semi psychotic would be the best way of describing my temperment, and you know what? I cant even be bothered to explain myself.Its the way I am and for that I may be sorry but I have some deep underlying shit going on and if I cant be bothered to make nice all the time I guess I’ve earned the right to be a bit of c**t every now and then. That said I dont want to keep harping back to my BPD as an excuse, I could but I dont want to, I’d like to able to behave the way I feel like and not have to make some bullshit excuse about my sorry past and the things I missed out on etc, but I cant not yet anyway, I’m working hard towards this state of play but I’m a mile wide of the mark right now.

The idea that someone would behave in the way I can as a matter of choice is abbhorant, even the most vindictive enemy would see that I am struggling with something and my usual behaviour is nothing like the crazed lunacy that I sometimes emit. I see other people looking at BPD as an excuse for bad behaviour, the mental health community doesnt even agree on what it is or what to call it and a very small band of dedicated people actually work towards some understanding of what it is we go through and how best to move on once we have accepted the situation. In many cases this acceptance can be the final piece of the puzzle for others its the start of a very long road but at least there is a road and knowing you have somewhere to head for is really very important. For me I know my issues, I can pinpoint the events that set me on this path, some of them were like an insidious poison fed to me over my formative years, others were as instant and traumatic as a car crash, with recriminations and blame to laid , although I have been the one to shoulder this pain myself in the place of a real culprit, this has changed for me, I have wiped the slate clean and can see what lies where and with whom, knowing this hasnt changed my life drastically, I still have behavioural issues and fears, I dont feel a whole person yet and probably never will, but I have a base line to start from, and also a realistic target to aim for, not Nirvana but somewhere where self acceptance is the the key.

The path ahead is clear as mud, the world has many challenges left for me and I cant say with any certainty that I wont flip out on occasion or get seriously depressed, what I will say is that whatever comes my way I will push through it, forwards if I can but never backwards, ther lies despair and I wont and cant allow that to happen. While I set out I do so knowing I have the support of my fellow sufferers and my family and that is more than alot of people with BPD can say, often our outlandish behaviour sends people scuttling and we end up in our own stew of misery, hopefully one day I will do something to alleviate this, it is my deepest wish to be able to make a real difference to someone elses life in a positive way and i will endeavour to do so.

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