Oh dear, I f**ked up my meds again

Posted: May 26, 2011 in Mental Health

Its very late and I’m sitting hear with headphones on listening to some Foo and Nirvana while I wait for my meds to kick in, and why am I still hear at the ungodly hour it is, because I went to the kitchen, did my injection, poured my drink and even shared a jokey song with the wife about my medication, in all the fun I didnt actually take any and now I have a minimum two hour wait for the blessed sleep to set in, stupid me. It does give me an oppurtunity to ponder on the events of the day, which wasnt without incident I guess.
Firstly I had therapy, which is a group affair, usually this isnt a problem I did a whole year, three times a week without missing a single day but today it was excruciating and I would rather have been anywhere else.Mainly its because I am a mean spririted bastard sometimes, not something I’m proud of but true nonetheless and today was one of those days for me. The problem is the person who took up a large part of the session is to my mind a waste of effort, the whinge and complain about their family who seem to be reacting to this persons moods and actions so cant really be held responsible for their ill humour on occasion, we are taught in therapy to own our stuff and try to live with the true facts as they stand on any given day, this particular person has never been able to work this out and as a result wasted her entire year in the program, which today really pissed me off. I tried to interject with a rather caustic comment that would have upset most people but they just agreed with me and carried on in the same vein as before, when we did finally move on I was too bored by them to really engage in what was really relevant stuff, which I begrudge immensly. This carried on for about another hour, me just paying very little attention until one of the members started to pontificate on their superior position mentally, lauding it up until they were brought to task by an older member who asked a perfectly pertentant question what ensued was crazy, arm thrashing disgust at the audacity of another person to interject in this planned monologue, I loved it, it livened the meeting up and when they finally stormed out it was a complete farce, they tried to maintain the aggression whilst pissing about with a load of paper that didnt want to play the game and they eventually tip toed out to silence, it was sublime.

The fact I feel this way is a yard stick on my mood today, not very personable and tired of other peoples crap, although I did buck this trend by offering a friend, also a BPD sufferer, some sage advice on maintaining their good level of control over things, basically someone else was shitting on their buzz and I just told them how to ignore that stuff and build on the good work so far but that was an exception to the rest of my day. I have tried to be even handed with everyone I’ve spoken to but its nnot easy and my cynical side always manages to find a voice, sarky remarks and pithy comments abound and I would have been embarrassed by me if I had been one of my friends or the wife who were there at the time. Where does this come from, why today and how am I supposed to counter this attitude which I cant say I dislike too much, although I accept its not the way things should be, its how they are at the moment and that word , the moment is kind of the issue. I can be any manner of things from friendly and caring to utter bastard within the tumbling of a few grains of sand in a timer, I live moment to moment and cant plan my reactions to thing with any degree of accuracy within this cisrcumstance, could anyone. As I sit here now I am relativly calm, especially as this time of night is my achilles heel and I am aware of the dangers of being alone for long periods at this time of night, but I’m not unduly worried as I seem to have handle on things for nw, but in ten minutes that could all go tits up and become a complete cluster fuck, I cant and wont try and predict these things but I will express a preference that I remain calm and enjoy the hour or so I’ve got left before the blessed sleep kicks in, Sorry if I rambled a bit there but it is late and I am drugged up to the eyeballs.

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