Am I educatable. and is that a word

Posted: May 24, 2011 in Mental Health

This is kind of a follow on from my last post regarding my innate cynicism of everything and everyone. I am endeavouring to improve my life by volunteering and educating myself in a more pertinent direction, which is all good and that but if I cant take anyone elses word for things how am I to progress in life. Exercise books are written by experts, usually and the whole premise of theor experise is they are held as such by their peers, they have degrees etc and doctorates arent unusual in these cases, so their words should be irrefutable, shouldnt they.
My problem is that I am even now, months before I even put the figurative pen to paper, thinking of how these people are charlatans, I havent read a single word but I already think they are wrong and I would be silly to trust anyone who just happens to have book published, after all isnt it always an element of luck when you get stuff into print, and as for the exams they passed well passing exams is a skill that is not exclusively for the brilliant, some people skive for a whole year and then bone up to pass the test at the last min ute, forgeting most of the information within weeks of learningit due to the forced nature of the input. Now I accept that while writing this I am admiting the ridiculousness of the situation, I’m not as stupid as I sound honestly, but its still happening and I will admit I’m a little worried for the future if this continues to be an issue.
What can I do to rectify this situation I ask myself, and to be honest I dont have the foggiest. The psycho babble brigade state quite vehemently that recognising the problem is tantamount to resolving it, the secret peice of the puzzle that is so elusive. Now I have done the big bit according to these people, with their Phd’s etc but I dont feel any closer to cracking this thing, and is it even a thing at all, am I just going through a natural process that is normal in the mainstream world I hear so much about. I feel this is a bit oustdie the real worlds sphere of understanding, just because no one would ever learn anything if we all doubted our teachers and resolved ourselves to be suspicious of everything we are taught, no I cant see that so I am left with the feeling I am in the wrong on this one.
So where do I go from here, I still get a couple of hours of so called group therapy a week, a pefect oppurtunity to deal with this you would think, but its not that simple, the fact is youre lucky if you get a chance to speak at all in that environment, other people, no more or less needy have stuff to discuss and theres sometimes twenty of you, do the maths on that one and you see that its not possible to have more than few moments on any given subject, or we do spend longer and others get no oppurtunity to speak at all, which is the normal result in this situation. So therapy isnt likely to throw up any answers and I wouldnt want to burden my fellow therapy goers with my stuff, when they have to contend with their own shit, yeah sometimes you find someone who is in a good place but its a transient thing that can last hours, days or minutes so you cant go there really and expect any solid support for the medium to long term. So I’m on my own with this as far as I’m concerned, Ive got my family and friends, I’m not physically alone but in this problem I have to shoulder the responsiblity for solving this thing.
So where do I start? I have to look at my thoughts and feelings and do a bit of navel gazing I guess but to what end. If I am weel aware of the problem, but dont know how it ever started, I havent got an event horizon where things changed from that moment forth then where do I search for the answers? I cant think back to atime where I had a sensible attitude towards people with a position of authority, be that moral or intellectual, I was okay at school I think, I learned very early that teachers were just people with problems and stuff, and the fact they were in the midst of a bitter dispute with the government that led to strikes and school closures showed me they were doing this as a job and had no real investment in their charges.
Did this colour my whole outlook on educators and ergo anyone who claims to be doing something by an unseen qualification to do so, including managers in a professional environment where they state there previous experience as proof of their accomplishments, usually trying very hard to sound knowledgeable and salt of the earth then going out and spending the equivilant of your weeks wages on their lunch, or is it my BPD and I used to have a healthy respect for everyone out there, I’m not disrespectful of people generally in fact I’m usually the opposite but I dont take anyone on face value, you may say your a gook fisherman but if somebody else doesnt back you up, I’ll wait until they do before crediting you with the talent you claim, but I think thats acceptable in the normal state of things otherwise any bullshitter out there would be afforded special status. I dont really know what I’m going to do at this stage, I know I must do something but its not clear what just yet, I will endeavour to endeavour i guess.

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