Posted: May 23, 2011 in Mental Health

I have been in a funny sort of mood this weekend, most of it is pretty good, I had an enjoyable, if tiring day with my youngest son on saturday, I showed him some of the sights of London. I had a good time and the way he soaked up all my trivia was great but at the end of the day I did feel a bit wierd, I spent my formative years running aound the whitehall, St James;s park are and being ther with him did bring back some memories, not by any means good ones. I guess I have learned to block out bad memories in certain places, I can drive past the hospital where my main problems began without even noticing its still there, its a kidology of sorts but its a defensive thing. When I visit my dad I have to go onto the estate where I grew up and I just choose to ignore the bookmarks of the past that are still there, but Saturday was different as my guard was down.

I am lucky in the sense I can mask my feelings and dont fall apart when I know a lot of my friends with BPD react instantly to these sort of stimulae, but its at a cost and I wouldnt have it any other way, I dont want to ruin my sons enjoyment of where we are and the history of each monumet or palace, but its a responsiblity that can be hard to bear. If I appeared a little subdued after we had returned to my dads I dont know but I felt it and the melancholia was quite strong, I had to grin and bear it until bedtime when I got the oppurtinity to mull it over, not a very constructive thing but its what I’ve got in place at the moment and I’ll have to live with it.

By sunday morning I was over it and had to contend with my wifes stuff for the day, which was a distraction that was welcomed, I had to pick up her brother and was worried about the driving conversation but we chatted about films for the entire hour and that was a nice easy subject for me and I found out about some stuff I hadnt heard of. The rest of the day was fairly casual and it was when my wife left to take him home I was left with Stevie, which again is no hardship, but I do end up thinking an awful lot when I dont have anyone to talk to, as I bathed Stevie and put him to bed the darkness is swelling around me, like a miasma of depression and once I’m on my own it comes to the fore and makes me maudling. I am aware of it happening but most of the time I am powerless to prevent it, this wasnt an exception. To explain what I go through would be quite hard, and to read it would not really do it justice, my vocabulary isnt broad enough to truly represent it. I have to say I do come out of these funks relatively quickly these days, thankfully I seem to manage to ride the them out but they leave a very uncomfortable feeling that its some kind of foreshadow of what may be to come. I am not going to go down that road if I can avoid it so I am resolved to fight it, but it takes a huge amount of will power and the inclusion of some of the work done in therapy to get me past it.

fingers crossed the roller coaster is going up today.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s