Rollercoaster

Posted: May 23, 2011 in Mental Health

I have been in a funny sort of mood this weekend, most of it is pretty good, I had an enjoyable, if tiring day with my youngest son on saturday, I showed him some of the sights of London. I had a good time and the way he soaked up all my trivia was great but at the end of the day I did feel a bit wierd, I spent my formative years running aound the whitehall, St James;s park are and being ther with him did bring back some memories, not by any means good ones. I guess I have learned to block out bad memories in certain places, I can drive past the hospital where my main problems began without even noticing its still there, its a kidology of sorts but its a defensive thing. When I visit my dad I have to go onto the estate where I grew up and I just choose to ignore the bookmarks of the past that are still there, but Saturday was different as my guard was down.

I am lucky in the sense I can mask my feelings and dont fall apart when I know a lot of my friends with BPD react instantly to these sort of stimulae, but its at a cost and I wouldnt have it any other way, I dont want to ruin my sons enjoyment of where we are and the history of each monumet or palace, but its a responsiblity that can be hard to bear. If I appeared a little subdued after we had returned to my dads I dont know but I felt it and the melancholia was quite strong, I had to grin and bear it until bedtime when I got the oppurtinity to mull it over, not a very constructive thing but its what I’ve got in place at the moment and I’ll have to live with it.

By sunday morning I was over it and had to contend with my wifes stuff for the day, which was a distraction that was welcomed, I had to pick up her brother and was worried about the driving conversation but we chatted about films for the entire hour and that was a nice easy subject for me and I found out about some stuff I hadnt heard of. The rest of the day was fairly casual and it was when my wife left to take him home I was left with Stevie, which again is no hardship, but I do end up thinking an awful lot when I dont have anyone to talk to, as I bathed Stevie and put him to bed the darkness is swelling around me, like a miasma of depression and once I’m on my own it comes to the fore and makes me maudling. I am aware of it happening but most of the time I am powerless to prevent it, this wasnt an exception. To explain what I go through would be quite hard, and to read it would not really do it justice, my vocabulary isnt broad enough to truly represent it. I have to say I do come out of these funks relatively quickly these days, thankfully I seem to manage to ride the them out but they leave a very uncomfortable feeling that its some kind of foreshadow of what may be to come. I am not going to go down that road if I can avoid it so I am resolved to fight it, but it takes a huge amount of will power and the inclusion of some of the work done in therapy to get me past it.

fingers crossed the roller coaster is going up today.

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