Is it my BPD?

Posted: May 23, 2011 in Mental Health

I consider myself a reasonably smart cookie, I’m well read, I love the classical era, ancient greek and roman texts are a staple of mine and I dont usually hear something in passing without looking it up, and not just wikipedia I’ll trawl through page after page of stuff just to satisfy my self I know what is commonly held as the truth in most matters. I always thought this was a good trait, a curious mind was a good thing and nothing to do with my condition, but then I caught myself out and now I’m not so sure.
I am aware of the fact that I never trust anyone in a supposed position of authority on face value, just because youre a GP doesnt mean you cant be wrong, likewise mental health professionals, its all subjective as far as I can see.I never hqad a boss, at any level right up to MD who I thought was in the job for reasons other than good fortune and bum licking, and maybe I was right most of the time but the law of averages suggests I was wrong on a few occasions but that never crossed my mind.

I brought this up in therapy and we never really got into why I’m like this, and I even mentioned that I felt the same towards the psychotherapists intially, although my attitude only loosened towards a couple of them, the idea that I, as a layman know better than any professonal or tradesman is preposterous but it exists and I have to deal with it I guess. The reason this has come to the fore this evening is I am finally reading a book that has been on my to do list for a decade, A brief history of time, by Stephen Hawking. I’m not overly interested in rocket science and physics but it is a seminal work and I do like to be on the nball with that sort of stuff, I even red Catcher in the rye because I was told it was an American classic, which it may be but its also boring shit, anyway Im now mid way through the book and I realise its from 1986 so its dated but I am struggling to believe any of it, and thats the problem, why would I think I would know anything about the depths of theoretical quantum physics let alone have an opinion on somebody elses theories.

I can explain my reasons rationally, its the idea that all the equations are based on a supposition of something that is almost certainly unproveable. The very thought that someone in 1760 had an idea that they used dome clever maths to prove, again in theory, that these ideas were then passed onto the preceding generations of thinkers who used alsorts of obscure sightings in the night sky to derive these theories, then created a whole new type of mathematics to display these theories. I believe these people are probably uber intelligent and could solve most practical problems, I bet they couldn’t hammer a nail or walk the streets of an urban jungle safely mind but I dont believe the idea that there are facts that cannot be proven. If i say I’m 6 ft tall I can prove it, its a fact but if i say that 100 milllion years ago my height would have been twice that and time was slower therefore I would have lived longer what justification do I have for this, the space time theory based on a radio signal found in the New Mexico desert isnt going to back me up, so I restate the same theory with some maths to prove the reasons for this claim and hey presto I’m a scientist of the highest renown. I know I’m being faciecious but thats how it seems to me and I dont know if its cynicism or BPD but it disturbs me a bit that someone as well qualified as Dr or Professor Hawking isnt qualified enough for me to believe in, my own audacity in this makes me cringe but I still wont be swayed by the facts on this< I'll read on and try my best to grasp the theories it espouses but I despair for my mental health if I can be so closed off to peoples credentials in matters I have no frame of reference in let alone expertise.


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