Open my mouth? for what

Posted: May 19, 2011 in Mental Health

I used to find talking about anything very easy, then for some reason or other it stopped being thus. I went into my own personal narrative and gave up telling anyone what I was thinking, very frustrating for those around me who up until then relied on me to answer the questions life was posing. I didnt know then and it would be years before I found out my diagnosis of BPD, this didnt create any better conditions for me to talk but I now knew why I had stopped and gained some crumbs of comfort from this.
So after years in the wilderness I embarked on a talking therapy within a group setting for 3 days a week for a year, and it was there I found my voice again, its not fair to say I never spoke before then, but what I said was usually quite mean or unfair, often as a defence strategy.

As I said I entered into therapy and spent the year slowly peeling away the layers of my psyche, touching on raw nerves along the way both my own and those of the other group members. By the end of the year I was ready to leave, the addition week on week of new members each with their own harrowing stories was becoming arduous and was starting to take its toll, and besides I felt I had found out as much as I was likely to in that environment, as with most things it had come to a natural end and I wasnt conscious of any feelings about this ending other than the obvious one of missing some of my friends and the structure I had been part of for so long. It was then time to start the next phase of my recovery and this was the hardest part for me, as I was expected to take the reigns on this and I wasnt really prepared for the culture shock that was to come. As part of the treatment program there is a secondary service that runs once a week for two hours that is available for 18 months after you leave the main program, this I thought would be simple case of checking in with like minded folks and nothing too taxing, I was right and wrong in equal measure.

In my mind I imagined that all the new group would be seasoned pros at this stuff and pretty much sorted out in a mental health context, wishful thinking I now know. Thats not to say they are as bad as the newcomers to the program but the problems are as diverse and entrenched. This isnt as big a problem for me as I first thought it might be, after a period of transition I slowly settled in to the pattern, if you could call it that, and resolved in my head to keep on trucking as it were. The problem I have created though is that I dont feel like talking anymore, I was always chipping in my two pennies worth during my time in the program as well as volunteering my own version of events and opening them up for the group to consider and comment on as they saw fit, I dont think I want to do that anymore and I cant really put my finger on why.

In part I think that the forum is not structured enough for my sensibilities, I like many with BPD like to know whats what and if anything falls short of those expectations I get very uncomfortable. So this could be a reason and one I’m not discounting but I do have another theory that I am loathe to voice but what the hell I’ve gone this far so why stop now. I believe I am not able to make any real difference to these new group members as they have had the benefit of a whole year in intense therapy and some months in the other group and if after all that attention and therapy they havent found solace what level of arrogance would allow me to think I could somehow provide them with an answer. If my experience tells me anything its you cant rescue people, either figuratively or practically and any vain hope that I have that I could be the one person to make a difference to the others life is preposterous. This in itself seems a logical scheme of thought and I should be able to get along in the framework of rationale, but it niggles a bit and I cant quite shake the feeling Im cutting my nose off etc. could I benefit from talking in these situations even if its not immediatley obvious what the benefit might be, I always believed that the best stuff in the program was done by a form of osmosis, a passive experiencing of others thoughts and feeling reflecting directly into the parts you cant consciously reach, so why not now?
In truth I dont know my own answer and can only fumble about looking for the truth in this situation, I dont have a set objective to aim at, if I know where I am aiming at I can plot a course, metaphorically thinking, and set out with a purpose, maybe thats the real stumbling block, the lack of any real direction at the moment and if I can overcome this problem the way will be open to do whatever seems right on the day, which is kind of the mantra of the whole program, be real and in the moment, I hate this phrae but thats not to say it isnt true is it>

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