Helping Who??

Posted: May 18, 2011 in Mental Health

If you volunteer to help others, which I do, are you doing for them or for yourself? I have always been very cynical about alturism, the very fact that people tell you what theyre up to makes me suspicious of their motives and I dont get the idea of a multi millionaire celebrity trying to get me to hand over the few meagre pence I have spare when they could end the problem, at least the financial side of it, themselves or at the very least as part of a syndicate. I mean are we to believe that Elton John, Bono and George Clooney would miss a few million quid each? So my reticence towards charity has been long and well trodden over the years, ingrained you could say although I wasnt given this mopinion by anyone else, I do share it with quite a few people I know.

Anyway this feeling toward charitable works would almost certainly turn me away from doing anything that could be regarded as charitable, let alone hawking myself about for more stuff to do in the volunteer sector. And my reasons for actually doing so cannot be seen as wholly unselfish. So whats going on then, well I am in a precarious position mentally right now, I have to find something to do everyday that will take my mind away from the introspection which I know leads down a dark and dangerous road that ends in a mental health ward at one of the three pitiless places in my area. So I volunteer each wednesday at Walk Tall, which is a noble enterprise working with vunerable adults and troubled teens, my role is one of mentor where I try to give some guidance to these youngsters and help them with finding work or further education, its very rewarding and I do enjoy doing it.

I beleive that thus far I have made some positive inroads with a few of the young folks and talking to the charity organisers leads me to believe that my input is of some value to them its an odd feeling being told they are grateful for what feels to me to be just chatting and showing an interest in what are essentially very interesting young people. All this leads me back to the question at the beginning, why am I doing this? is it for the benefit of the youngsters? the feeling of validation you get when you make a difference to someone else or is it just to make use of my down time. I cant answer this honestly because as usual with anyone with BPD I change like the wind and cant keep any one position in mind for long without shooting down and replacing it with the opposite point of view. I do feel that in my minds eye I can see that its mutually beneficial and that in itself is all you can really hope for, but this idea I am being in some way selfish and manipulative wont completely go away. there lies the crux, I can go with the flow and just accept things as they seem on the surface, not looking for any alterior motive as it were, and probably assist my mental health situation along the way, alternatively I can go into my self discovery mode where everything is tarnished by my BPD and in return heaping more fuel onto the fire in my mind that is BPD.

I guess I know which is the most sensible course of action, but I cant guarantee to follow either course diligently, so wath this space.

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