Hang on! I feel OK

Posted: May 17, 2011 in Mental Health

Its a strange feeling, not feeling, its both appreciated and dreaded in equal measure. I awoke this morning with a calm that belies my usual state and I was uncertain as to whether I was still in slumber or not, wouldnt be the first time I’ve been fooled by that one. so there I am lying there wuthout anything going on in my head, no paranoia, no murderous plans or potential serial killer type stuff, so what do I do now??

The answer is clearly nothing, or at least nothing to upset the apple cart, to try and accept the situation as a good one and roll with it, as Oasis once proclaimed. Thats easy I hear you say, I can do that myself, you think to yourself, but for me its never so simple, I know the reasons why it should be easy, I can write them down, draw them on a board and might even know a song or two to explain this, but just trying to convince myself of these simple facts is unbelievably hard. To the ordinary man/woman on the street with A1 mental health, life seems simpler than it probably is, I feel no envy towards these people, in fact I rejoice of the fact they they have such a sitution and wish it would happen to more of us, but as I say it does leave them with no clue as to how hard life can be for the other less fortunate folks. Anyway I digress , the matter at hand is what am I to do with this rather odd feeling of being OK, as my own worst critic I feel it only right to state that if there is one person capable of screwing up a relatively good situation , its yours truly.

So the need to proceed with caution is paramount and the very fact I now need to think through what I’m going to do is an indictment of what BPD does to me. In a different scenario I could just get out of bed, meander through my daily routine, carry out any chores , that last bits so not likely to happen, but you get the idea, just do it , as the fine people at Nike would advise us. So what I do is get up, tentatively, and go down for my first routine of the day, the medication, pin prick blood test and insulin injection, this usually wakes me up fully, peircing holes in your skin will do that to you, and then I get on with breakfast and coffee, so far nothing is ruining this strangely pleasant day and I’m hoping against hope its not a fluke of nature.
without going into the rather mundane nuts and bolts of the following few hours it coninues in this vein, no traumas, excitment or wierd thoughtsn this is going well and I have to say, I’m quite enjoying the situation, up to this point anyway. And that final sentiment is the problem, who oh why do I have to think that its a fleeting thing, why dont I accept my lot for the day and leave whats to come for another day, I want to, I know it would be beneficial to my general well being to do so, but I cant prevent it and thats what brings me down in the end.

So even on the days that are going well, seem enjoyable without any real effort exerted and could be just good for sake of it, these days ultimately lead to the very downer that I am trying hard to avoid. All the while I’m in this positive mode the back of my mind is racing with the possibility that the situation is temporary and I should prepare myself for the inevitable. this line of thought is what actually brings about the dip, its a self fulfilling prophecy that is caused and effected by my own psyche as a first line of defence against itself, how fucked up is that. In essence I am destroying my own happiness to avoid someone else doing for me. now the fact I’m aware of this implies I should be able to do something about it, and I’m hoping thats true, I just dont know what the something is, not yet anyway but I will endeavour to find that solution and if it comes to me I will of course pass it on so others may benefit.

For now though I feel OK and the comedown hasnt happened Im resolved to hold onto this for as long as I can.

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