While I’m thinking about it

Posted: May 16, 2011 in Uncategorized

I was lost in a bit of navel gazing earlier and realised something important, not mind blowing, no jumping up and screaming eureka just a slow realisation of the cold hard facts.

I dont really have to suffer with BPD, its not mandatory that I go through this, my family would certainly have a better quality of life without it and the world in general would be better off, both on a financial setting and the rich mix of people and cultures wouldnt be poorer without me and my fellow sufferers, so its a matter of choice. The only problem with this is the other possibility that exists in this scenario, that is death, the much threatened and often attmpted suicide that would end the suffering and free those around me to get on with their lives unencumbered.
This sounds negative, but its actually not. the idea of backing out of this situation may seem attractive in the early hours when my thoughts turn to lonliness and the cost of my illness to other but it isn’t truly even on the table because I have something greater than BPD, I have my life. it sounds simplistic and even a little juvenile to just say, I’ve got a life, but its the most quintessential point I have to hold on to. The battles I have fought thus far, the debilitating emotional pain I have suffered and caused to others, all that would have been for nothing if I give up now, so much so it is an impossibility to go backwards in this fight. I cannot accept that all that has gone before, the good , the bad, the unthinkable made real all these things have created me, with the BPD and all. would I have been such a loving father if I had had a different life, could I have looked upon others stories with empathy and compassion if I hadnt had some insight into where they had come from.

It is these things I cherish, my good qualities that have persevered inspite of all thats gone before, and even if i dont always feel it my life is good, it could have been an awful lot better admittedly, but right now may 16th 2011 its ok and i can accept that for what it is. as long as somewhere at the back of my mind i can cling onto this fact I might just have a chance of moving on further and further away from the darkest days, and if in doing so I can find the strength to help my fellow BPD sufferers then all the better, it would be an honour to do so.

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